Living Well in Marriage

The State of Marriage and Family - Where are we now?

2011-12-02T11:35:00.000-06:00

We work in this field regularly and sometimes forget that not everyone knows the state of marriage and families in the U.S. Over the next few emails, we will relate the statistics of our culture.

The purpose of this information is not to discourage but to inspire believers to make a difference.

The graph is from Pew Research and shows how marriage itself is declining. More people are choosing not to marry at all. Being "never married" does not mean that they do not have children or a "partner." Our culture does not value marriage as an integral part of having children and a family. Pop culture demonstrates that attitude very clearly.

Divorce and cohabitation has continually increased since the 1960's. Young people are marrying at an older age. All of these factors contribute to a decline in the number of people who are married.

SO WHAT?
What does that mean for me?
What can I do?

We can teach and demonstrate the value of being married before having children. We can teach young people how to have successful, healthy relationships and how to have strong marriages. We can encourage our churches to make an intentional effort to teach all ages both the Biblical design for marriage and practical skills to prepare for marriage and to strengthen existing marriages.

Marriage Restored

2011-10-03T16:25:00.000-05:00

Character of Marriage - Courage2

2011-09-18T21:31:00.000-05:00

COURAGE TO FACE MYSELF

The character of courage in a marriage starts with the courage to marry. True courage in marriage includes the courage to face my own "stuff" in marriage.

[see the first part of Character of Marriage-Courage]

The courage to face myself and my contribution to the problems I have in my marriage may be the hardest part of marriage.

It means that I have to quit blaming the problem on my spouse, my past, or my job. Regardless of who I am married to and how that person acts, I can respond in a godly way. I don’t have to attack back when I feel attacked.

Regardless of my past, I can see the power of God’s Spirit transform me, so that I don’t have to repeat the unhealthy patterns and habits of my parents.

No matter what the people I work for or that I work with do, I can do my job with integrity and honesty and wholeheartedly, and not neglect my family.

When there is conflict in any area of my life, I can ask God to show me what the issues of my heart are in the situation.

Psalm 139:23-24 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
It takes courage to face the fact that I may be angry at my spouse because of the hurt from my parents. I may have unrealistic expectations of the people around me because I never felt like I measured up. So, I have high expectations for myself and for those around me.

It takes courage to ask my spouse what she/he sees in my life that is damaging our relationship. And when she answers, I don’t get defensive, blame others, or attack back.

It takes courage to take responsibility for emotional mood swings, irritability, anger, or erratic behavior. Then more courage to ask for forgiveness and ask God to help you change in that area.

"It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more 'manhood' to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind." Alex Karras

When we ask God to show us what our part is God doesn’t beat us down with condemnation. In fact, He says in Romans 8:1, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
But God is faithful to stick with me and help me work through those difficult times.

“Courage is not limited to the battlefield or the Indianapolis 500 or bravely catching a thief in your house. The real tests of courage are much quieter. They are the inner tests, like remaining faithful when nobody's looking, like enduring pain when the room is empty, like standing alone when you're misunderstood.” Charles Swindoll

He will give me the courage if I move towards Him rather than trying to figure it out on my own or moving away from Him. He says that we can conquer the hard parts of life.

Later in chapter 8, (verses 31-32, 35, 37-39) What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? ….. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? …… No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

The more I press into the Lord, the more He strengthens me. Then the more courage I have. Even Epicurus, the Greek philosopher, recognized the link between courage and facing difficulties. He said "You don't develop courage by being happy in your relationships every day. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity."

Victor Hugo, a French novelist, who wrote Les Miserables, said, "Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake."

Character of Marriage - Courage

2011-09-11T18:31:00.004-05:00

During the days of dating and engagement, not many couples look at whether the other one displays courage. We usually think of courage in regards to situations of physical danger. We rarely think of the courage in terms of how to relate to each other.

The dictionary defines courage as "The state of quality of mind or spirit that enables one to face danger with self possession, confidence, and resolution. 'Courage suggests a reserve of moral strength on which one may draw in time of emergency.'"

THE FIRST COURAGE OF MARRIAGE
One of the greatest steps of courage is to get married, to make that commitment.

It doesn’t take a lot of courage to make a promise, but it takes a lot of courage to keep that promise.

It doesn’t take a lot of courage to have fun with someone, but it takes a lot of courage to continue to initiate fun with that person when they have hurt you.

It doesn’t take a lot of courage to find someone that you want to sleep with; it takes a lot of courage to commit to love her even if she physically is unable to meet your sexual needs.

It doesn’t take courage to follow someone into sin, it takes courage to stand firm in following what God wants for you both.

For a marriage to be great and all that God has in mind for us, we must have courage.

Real courage is needed to face those small, everyday, and sometimes trivial events of marriage - to respond with courage when it is tough and to not give up.

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.’” Mary Anne Radmacher

GODLY COURAGE

Biblical courage is not the result of self-reliance or self-confidence. Biblical courage is the result of surrender and sovereignty - our surrender to God's sovereignty, and our trust in God's strength, not in our own.

In the Old Testament, 11 times, God tells his people, “Be strong and courageous.”

Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.

In the New Testament, Jesus encourages those who encounter Him with the admonishment, “Take courage!”

Matthew 14:27 But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

Mark 6:50 because they all saw him and were terrified. Immediately he spoke to them and said, “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

Acts of courage often bring a lot of publicity. Godly courage can draw extraordinary attention.

Acts 4:13 When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus.

Jesus gave us examples of extraordinary courage. Peter and John showed courage, after Pentecost. God says we can have that kind of courage as well.

1 Corinthians 16:13 Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong.

One of Paul’s deepest desires was to have the courage to glorify Christ.

Philippians 1:20 I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death.

That “reserve of moral strength on which one may draw” comes from Him and because of Him.

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear." Ambrose Redmoon

[More posts to come on courage in marriage in the days to come]

Character of Marriage - Compassion2

2011-08-25T11:42:00.010-05:00

"By compassion we make others' misery our own, and so, by relieving them, we relieve ourselves also."
Thomas Browne, Sr.

In our last post, we talked about the character quality of compassion - what it is and some foundational truths. What does that have to do with marriage?

Developing Compassion in Marriage

Some experts believe that compassion is the most important emotion for developing intimate relationships and that it contributes far more to happiness than love does. When there is little compassion, a lot of love cannot compensate for the lack of compassion.

Why is compassion so important?

We know that it is part of the character of God. If we want to live as Christ, we will develop compassion in our character and in our marriage. As we study and understand the compassion that God has for each of us individually and for us as humans, we will see life as He does. We will be compassionate as He is compassionate. We will see people and circumstances as He sees them.

And we need to recognize when others display compassion towards us and others.

Compassion sensitizes us to the individuality and vulnerability of our loved ones. It makes me see that my spouse is a different person from me, with a separate set of experiences, a different temperament, different vulnerabilities, and, in some respects, different values.

In contrast, if I feel the intensity of love without compassion, I can’t see who my spouse for who he really is. He becomes merely a source of emotion for me rather than a separate person in his own right. When he makes me feel good, I think he is great. When he makes me feel bad, he becomes a demon. Love without compassion is possessive, controlling, rejecting, and dangerous.

Compassion, on the other hand, makes you protective, rather than controlling. The difference is critical. When I am protective, I want to help her achieve what is best for her. Most of all, I want her to feel okay about herself. When I'm controlling, I want her to feel bad for not doing what I want her to do.

The lack of compassion has some habits that are easy to recognize; each one can be redeemed and changed once it is recognized.

Red flags and their antidote

Defensiveness
One way to spot a lack of compassion is when a person responds with defensiveness, especially if my spouse is accusing me of something, even working too much. When I get defensive, I am saying “I didn’t do anything wrong, you are wrong.”

The antidote to defensiveness is to recognize the hurt behind the accusation, sympathize with the hurt, and even seek to alleviate the hurt. I can take responsibility for anything I might have done to hurt the other person or to more fully explain what has happened, but not to accuse or attack back.
Criticism
Criticism most often attacks the character of a person – you are so stupid, lazy, or fill-in-the-blank. Even when it attacks behavior, it will be destructive if it is filled with blames, if it devalues, if it focuses on what the person has done wrong rather than how to do it right, or if it implies that there is only one right way to do things.

A critical person was often criticized as a child. Criticism often leads to defensiveness and contempt.

The antidote of criticism is first of all to recognize that we all make mistakes but that we all have worth and value. I have to apply that to myself in light of my past hurts. Then I apply this principle to those that I am criticizing. Then I can begin to think of how my spouse or children feel when I criticize them.
Stonewalling
A negative characteristic, which is said to predict divorce with more than 90% accuracy, is stonewalling. This characteristic is very indicative of a lack of compassion. Recognizing and changing this characteristic, while becoming more compassionate, can change the tone and atmosphere of the marriage.

Men tend to do this more than women. But stonewalling is when a husband refuses to consider his wife’s perspective. He does not show her that he values her opinion or that she has anything to say that is worth hearing. If he listens at all, he does it dismissively or contemptuously.

The antidote to stonewalling is listening to my spouse’s opinions and valuing what she says, showing it in a way that she can recognize my interest.
Control
We often try to control our environment and the people around us when we have lived in a home that was out of control or when we feel anxiety.

We decide what our home needs to be like and how everyone needs to act to give us a sense of safety and security and peace. People who try to control those around them don’t realize that control drives people away instead of drawing them closer. The goal of control is then actually sabotaged by the demands or expectations of the one who is trying to control.

The reality is that we cannot control other people. Instead of control, seek cooperation for common goals.

Ultimately, we must come to a place of knowing that God is the only one in control. The antidote for control is trusting God to take care of you, regardless of what others do or what happens. We have to care enough – compassion - about how others feel to help them achieve their desires and goals more than we work to get what we want.

All of us can improve in the area of compassion in marriage. Take this opportunity to take the step of expressing more compassion in marriage. This step will bring intimacy and oneness in your marriage.

Previous posts in the series "Character of Marriage":
Character of Marriage - Commitment
Character of Marriage - Commitment2
Character of Marriage - Commitment3
Character of Marriage - Commitment4

Character of Marriage - Compassion

2011-08-24T15:41:00.001-05:00

"Compassion is sometimes the fatal capacity for feeling what it is like to live inside somebody else's skin. It is the knowledge that there can never really be any peace and joy for me until there is peace and joy finally for you too." Frederick Buechner

One might assume that marriage would contain compassion. Initially, probably, most do. As marriage continues and hurt comes through the front door, often compassion exits through the back door.

The person, whom we proclaim to love until death, suddenly becomes the person to whom we show the least compassion.

What is compassion?

The word origin means literally “to suffer with.” The dictionary puts it this way “a feeling of distress and pity for the suffering or misfortune of another, often including the desire to alleviate it.” Compassion goes a step beyond sympathy. Compassion wants to do something to help. We see news articles on TV about great human suffering because of a natural disaster. People want to know what they can do to help.

Some people seem to lack compassion in most situations, including home life. Sometimes, it is because they don't know what to do, so they tune it out. Sometimes, it is more of the sense that no matter what they do it won't help or it won't matter. For some people, it is even a "one-up-manship." They think or say "You think you have it bad, listen to what happened to me.... Or you don't know what it means to suffer, you have it easy compared to my life/my hurt ...."

I believe that at his/her core, every man and woman has compassion in extreme situations. Would I give up something or risk danger if I knew a child was about to die and I was the only who could save him? Most people would take that risk to save a helpless child. But can I have compassion for my husband or my wife?

The Bible has a lot to say about compassion and mercy. In fact, compassion/mercy is a central theme throughout the Bible. The biblical word for compassion means: "that disposition that fuels acts of kindness and mercy. Compassion, a form of love, is aroused within us when we are confronted with those who suffer or are vulnerable." The biblical words for compassion or being compassionate are often translated “mercy” also.

Any description of God's heart towards us would include compassion and mercy.

2 Corinthians 1:3 calls Him "the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort."

In Exodus 33:18, after Moses asked God to show him His glory, God says, “I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim my name, the LORD, in your presence. I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion."

After God came down in a cloud and passed in front of Moses, He said in Exodus 34:6 “The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness." We see that description in Scripture over and over.

This quality of compassion is present not only in God the Father, but also in Jesus the Son.

Matthew 9:36 "When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd."
Matthew 14:14 "When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them and healed their sick."
Matthew 15:32 "Jesus called his disciples to him and said, “I have compassion for these people; they have already been with me three days and have nothing to eat. I do not want to send them away hungry, or they may collapse on the way.'"
Luke 19:41 As he approached Jerusalem and saw the city, he wept over it.
Jesus, telling the parable of the prodigal son in Luke 15:20 "So he got up and went to his father. “But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him."

God says that we can be like Him in the area of compassion and mercy because He lives in us.

Zechariah 7:9 “This is what the LORD Almighty says: ‘Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another.'"
Ephesians 4:32 "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."
Colossians 3:12 "Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience."
1 Peter 3:8 "Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble."

Compassion towards our fellow man and towards other believers includes compassion towards our spouse.

"Compassion will cure more sins than condemnation." Henry Ward Beecher

In the next post, we will talk about how the importance of compassion in marriage, how to develop and demonstrate compassion, and some red flags/antidotes for a lack of compassion in marriage.

Previous posts in the series:

Character of Marriage - Commitment
Character of Marriage - Commitment2
Character of Marriage - Commitment3
Character of Marriage - Commitment4

Character of Marriage - Commitment4

2011-08-21T18:16:00.003-05:00

The Character of Marriage through commitment includes being committed to my spouse. The obvious is the commitment I made in my vows, and that is part of it. [see part 1, part 2, and part 3 of the series]

Scott Stanley in his book The Power of Commitment would call the vow to my spouse a commitment of constraint. His proposed "commitment of dedication" would include another significant quality - the commitment to the very best for my spouse, creating a nurturing environment, a supportive relationship.

Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Romans 12:10

To be devoted to my spouse would include all levels of love – unconditional love, friendship love, physical love and affection.

Part of that commitment to the very best for your spouse is accepting that person just as they are – not trying to change that person. In fact, I would encourage my husband in his interests and abilities. I create an environment in my marriage that nurtures the gifts God has given him.

Ed has always been an outdoors person. In fact, as I am writing this post, he is working on arrows. Yes, arrows for archery deer hunting. I now know what "fletching" means.

When we got married, he was a great golfer, an avid fisherman, and hunter. I know women who complain about their husband doing those things, but I thought it was great. I have always encouraged him to pursue those activities.

I know that some men overdo those things and don’t spend time with their families; they don’t consider the needs of the family. I know some husbands don’t plan time with their wife, but it will not bring us closer together by nagging or complaining about it. I am not excusing men who abuse this area.

I love art and art museums. Ed knows that when we travel, I want to go to the local art museum or art show. He plans time into our trips for the art museums. He encourages me in my involvement as a volunteer at our local art museum.

When I try to restrict my spouse’s time or connection with other people or interests, it will ultimately be a divisive issue, driving us farther apart. Restricting my spouse is control, not commitment.

Committing to the best for that person also means that I put his needs and desires before my own. I serve him rather than expecting to be served. I treat that person with kindness and respect.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. (Philippians 2:3-4) In the verses immediately following this passage, Jesus admonishes us to serve each other.

If I am going to make the commitment to my spouse a part of the character of my marriage, I can ask myself these questions:

Am I truly committed to the best for my spouse?
Do I create a nurturing home for the interests and abilities of my spouse?
Do I consider him/her better than me, more important than me?
Do I look to his/her interests before I seek what I want for myself?
Do I accept and encourage my spouse in his/her own personality?

Devotion to my spouse through nurturing and encouraging his abilities will take the quality of my marriage to a higher level. We can have a more intimate and respectful marriage.

Previous posts in the series:
Character of Marriage - Commitment
Character of Marriage - Commitment2
Character of Marriage - Commitment3

Character of Marriage - Commitment3

2011-08-18T20:40:00.002-05:00

On the two previous posts. we talked about the character of marriage through commitment and the importance of commitment to God in regards to marriage.

Life is full of choices. When we make a commitment, we are saying “yes” to this choice and “no” to all other choices. The commitment to marriage and to one person, excludes all other choices.

We may think that sounds limiting or restrictive to us. The reality is that those limitations bring greater freedom.

For example, when our kids were little, we had all kinds of things for them to do and play in the backyard. They could swing, play on a trapeze, in a sandbox, or in a fort or climb a tree or play games in the grass. When they went in the backyard to play, they had great freedom. But there was a fence that limited where they could go. Outside that fence, they were more limited in their freedom. They had to be with one of us, they couldn’t run freely, they couldn’t go into the street.

In the garden, Adam and Eve had great freedom– EXCEPT they had one limitation. Don’t eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. They chose to go outside of that one limitation. They thought that they would have more freedom, more fulfillment, and more pleasure. But the truth was – they had less. They were limited in their access to God. Their physical life had a limit. They were in bondage to sin.

Before the fall, they were “naked and not ashamed.” (Genesis 2:25) After the fall, they immediately started covering up and felt very much ashamed. The openness, vulnerability, and transparency became shame, fear, and blame.

There is a voice in the head of many people saying “you can have the most fulfilling life by keeping your options open and not giving up a thing.”

The paradox is that I can experience more freedom when I accept the limits of commitment. I no longer contemplate “maybe …. if.” In any part of life, if I live in the land of “maybe” or indecision in committing to a course of action, I will not move forward. And it is especially true in marriage.

What would it mean to be committed to the marriage, not just staying married?

A commitment to the marriage means that I am not just staying married but I am committed to a marriage that honors the Lord. This commitment to the marriage is certainly a commitment of dedication. I am devoted to making this marriage a picture of Christ and The Church to the world. I am going to love like He loves. I am going to forgive as He forgives.

I am not going to just stay married; I am going to do whatever I can on my part to make the marriage great.

My commitment does not limit my freedom; it changes my choices. By getting married, I have chosen to make this one person my priority. I have put the boundaries (fences) of marriage on my relationships with people of the opposite sex. Within the boundaries of marriage, I have greater opportunities for a profound level of freedom within them. It protects the kind of safety that is needed to have the best in marriage. It leads to greater freedom of oneness and openness. If I really want the security and freedom, I have to act on the commitment.

Some ways to invest in the betterment of my marriage could include:

Talking like friends
Doing something fun together
Leaving notes of appreciation
Working on a project important to both of us
Expressing your love in some new way
Taking a walk together
Planning a vacation together
Engage in a ministry activity together

"Marriage is not a love affair. A love affair is a totally different thing. A marriage is a commitment to that which you are. That person is literally your other half. And you and the other are one. A love affair isn’t that. That is a relationship of pleasure, and when it gets to be unpleasurable, it’s off. But a marriage is a life commitment, and a life commitment means the prime concern of your life. If marriage is not the prime concern, you are not married." Joseph Campbell

How am I demonstrating my commitment of dedication and devotion to my marriage right now? What would my spouse say?

We have talked about our commitment to God and to the marriage, the third area is being committed to your spouse.... our next post.

See our previous posts:
Character of Marriage - Commitment
Character of Marriage - Commitment2

Character of Marriage - Commitment2

2011-08-17T13:01:00.000-05:00

In the last post, we talked about the character of marriage displayed through the quality of commitment. We distinguished two different kinds of commitment in marriage - the commitment of constraint and the commitment of dedication. [also see Scott Stanley's book The Power of Commitment]

These two types of commitments for marriage fall into three categories, commitment to God, commitment to marriage, and commitment to my spouse.

COMMITMENT TO GOD
Our most important commitment in life is our commitment to our Lord. We say “yes” to Him as the one true God and we say “no” to all other Gods. He does not give us the option to be inclusive in our faith. Our faith is exclusive in love and devotion to Him, no other gods.

The first of the 10 commandments: “You shall have no other gods before Me.” Exodus 20:3

How would your commitment to God influence the quality or character of your marriage?

He says that when I make a commitment to my spouse at my wedding that I am giving my word before Him too.

When a man makes a vow to the LORD or takes an oath to obligate himself by a pledge, he must not break his word but must do everything he said. Numbers 30:2

As a Christian, I have declared that Jesus is Lord of my life. As my Lord, He says that I am to keep my word. My devotion to Him obligates me to keep my vow to anyone, most of all to my spouse.

Hopefully, I have a commitment of dedication (devotion) and constraint to Him. I am devoted to having an intimate relationship with Him. I am constrained from pursuing an ungodly lifestyle because of my love for Him.

But also, my commitment in marriage is a covenant. God says in Malachi 2:14 …. she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.

In this covenant relationship, not only am I committed to my spouse but also to God. He is part of the covenant relationship. It is not a contract to be broken or re-written. It is not just a legal procedure. It is a commitment to God and to my spouse – a lifetime commitment to remain married to that person as long as both of us are still alive.

As part of the covenant relationship, God commits Himself to keeping my marriage together.

When God made the covenant with Abraham (Genesis 15), He let Abraham know that God was obligating Himself to keeping that covenant; it was not up to Abraham alone.

God gave us a new covenant through Jesus Christ. Again, He says that once we enter into that covenant relationship, He commits to us to keep that covenant. He demonstrates throughout the Bible that He is faithful, even when we are unfaithful.

He gives us that commitment to our marriage. He will make it possible to keep that marriage covenant if we are willing. He gives us the guidance, His presence, and His power to make a great marriage - one that glorifies Him and is a picture of Christ and the Church in this world.

I can pray and ask God to show me where my commitment level is to Him and what He wants for our marriage.

The next post will be about our commitment to marriage.
See our first post in the series: Character of Marriage - Commitment

The Character of Marriage - Commitment

2011-08-16T14:59:00.004-05:00

Some of us are married to characters. Some wish the one to whom they are married had more character. Then there are those of us who cringe when others say our faces show lots of character - we know they really mean "wrinkles."

When we talk about the character of marriage, what do we mean?

The word character means those moral or ethical qualities. So the character of marriage includes those moral or ethical qualities that make a marriage – not just a good marriage but a great, enduring marriage.

“Character is that which reveals moral purpose, exposing the class of things man chooses or avoids." Aristotle

To us, the most important character quality in marriage is commitment. In the baseline survey done for the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative, when asked why they got a divorce, the majority answered "a lack of commitment."

As we meet with couples, we look for a level of commitment. We ask them if they are ready to do whatever it takes to save their marriage. Even for couples who are not in a crisis, the commitment makes a difference in the quality of their marriage.

What is commitment? The dictionary says it is a pledge or a promise, an obligation.

Scott Stanley talks extensively about the topic in his book The Power of Commitment.

He defines two kinds of commitment:

1. Commitment of dedication – ex. “He is very committed to improving his golf game.” He is dedicated to getting better at golf. He does it because he loves it or has a drive to meet the challenge of mastering the game.

Dedication implies an internal state of devotion to a person or a project.

It includes the idea of moving forward, a motivating force, based on the thoughtful decisions you made to give your best effort.

2. Commitment of constraint – ex. “He has committed to play in the golf tournament. His team won’t be able to play without him.”

Constraint entails a sense of obligation. It refers to factors that would be costs if the present course were abandoned.

The commitment of dedication is a force drawing you forward. The commitment of constraint is a force pushing you from behind.

What do you think a marriage would be like if you only had the commitment of constraint?

Couples who maintain and act on dedication are more connected, happier, and more open with each other. Those who lose dedication and have only constraints will either be together but miserable or come apart. The loss of dedication represents the loss of the will to try, the loss of the sense of “us,” and the loss of the actions that protect a marriage over time. A marriage without dedication is a marriage without passion or without life.

Some examples of constraints are:

Social pressure – how will friends and/or family react?

Morality of divorce – how much do you believe that divorce is wrong?

Concern for the welfare of your children – do you believe your children will be harmed by the divorce?

Financial limitations and loss – how will you lifestyle change if you get a divorce

Termination procedures – how difficult are the steps to end the marriage?

Alternative quality – what kind of quality of life do you think you will have living apart from your mate?

What do you think a marriage would be like if you only had the commitment of dedication?

A marriage with dedication or devotion will almost always have a commitment of constraint also, but if it did not, the marriage might get better but there would be no commitment that it would last. The marriage might be very exciting and fun while it lasted, until one of the partners found someone else to be devoted to. There would always be that uncertainty whether it would last.

We have seen three commitments make a marriage great – commitment to God, to the marriage, and to the spouse. In the next post, we explain those three kinds of commitment.

THE WAITING ROOM

2011-08-04T12:28:00.000-05:00

I have sat in more than my share of waiting rooms during the last few years .... my own appointments, going with my mother, my stepfather, my aunt to the doctor. Plus we have a waiting room in our own ministry.

The mark of a good waiting room used to be whether they had new magazines. Some doctor's offices only had magazines that were over a year old. I still look at the date when I pick up a magazine in a waiting room.

But now the marks of a good waiting room - a flat screen TV or free wifi. I really do not like waiting anywhere, anytime, including waiting rooms. If I am in a waiting room, I prefer the wifi option to the TV; the TVs are either playing some health information or Fox News (yes, we are in a red state!). I don't mind Fox News sometimes, but waiting rooms are trying enough without watching people interrupt and yell at each other.

People don't usually have to spend much time in our waiting room. But it is always interesting to me to see what they are doing when I come out to get them, especially couples.

There are the "pacers" - too nervous to sit down. Then there are the "readers" - they have picked up a book out of our bookcase in the waiting room or one of our magazines.

Some people are just sitting staring straight ahead. I figure that it is the only time that they get to sit in a quiet room with soothing music playing in the background; they just want to relax for a few minutes.

Then we have the ones who are attached to their mobile devices - they are texting, checking facebook, or playing games (we have a sign that asks people not to talk on their phones).

Occasionally, we even have a couple who are talking with each other in the waiting room. We consider that a sign of progress.

I wonder how many of those behaviors translate into their interaction at home. How many of us are too busy interacting with people who aren't in the room and ignoring those that are in the room?

I was amused when a 20something told me that she was with a group of friends at someone's house and they were all playing games on their phones - either with another member of the group or someone else. She suggested to the group that since they were in the room together, they do something with each other in person, real life, real time. Hmmm.....

What if, in marriage, we had a "no screen time" every night at our house - no TV, no computer, no phones, no handheld devices? Instead of facebook, we set aside time every night for face-to-face connection and interaction. One talks, the other listens. The other talks, one listens. Hmmm... maybe we could recapture that personal touch that we all long for.

"Electric communication will never be a substitute for the face of someone who with their soul encourages another person to be brave and true."

Charles Dickens (1812-1870)

PERFECT GIFT

2011-05-24T14:07:00.000-05:00

Have you ever tried to find the perfect gift for someone you love? Could be your spouse. Could be a parent.

Finding that perfect gift is really hard if the person has most of the things that they want in life already.

Have you ever thought about what the perfect gift would be for you if someone else were buying it for you?

God gave each of us married folks a perfect gift. That gift is your husband or wife (whichever applies!). I am not saying your spouse is perfect but he is perfect for you.

You may be thinking, "Wow! Are you sure about that?" or "You have got to be crazy; you don't know my husband (or wife)."

When we go back to the beginning and God's original design for this world, Adam had all of his needs met in his relationship with God, but God saw that Adam needed another human and a companion with whom to share his life.

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” .... So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep. While the man slept, the Lord God took out one of the man’s ribsand closed up the opening. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib, and He brought her to the man. “At last!” the man exclaimed. (Genesis 2:18, 21-23a, NLT, emphasis mine)

God brought Eve to Adam in the same way a father brings a bride to the groom in a wedding today. Adam received Eve as God's perfect gift for him - not based on anything she had done or said, but based on his confidence and trust in God as a giver of good gifts.

God wants me today to see my spouse as my perfect gift. It doesn't mean that he acts perfect or is perfect, but that he is perfect for me. At the time of our wedding most of us believed that. What happened?

We often marry because we find someone who is different from us - in a good way. I see qualities that I don't have but I wish I had. If I am a quite, reserved person, I might marry someone who is more outgoing and feels comfortable meeting new people. That person knows how to engage in conversation with lots of different people, but I just clam up.

But then, after marriage, this outgoing person wants to drag me into all kinds of new situations that I have never been in or don't want to be in. He will take me to a party and leave me in the corner as he moves around the room meeting and talking to people that neither of us know. Suddenly, the outgoing-ness of the person irritates me, causes me discomfort, and becomes a source of conflict.

Hence the expression, "Before marriage opposites attract; after marriage opposites attack."

Once conflict sets in, a couple often focuses on the negative attributes of the other one instead of the great ones that attracted them in the beginning.

I have a great husband but he is not perfect - he is only perfect for me. Sometimes, when I am around other couples, I think about what the husband would be like in marriage. Even for men that are our friends, I find myself thinking, "I like him as a person, but I can't imagine having to live with him everyday." I am always thankful that God gave me Ed.

One of the attributes that attracted me to Ed was his cleanliness. In an era when guys were growing beards, wearing disheveled clothes, and wearing unkempt hair down to their shoulders, he stood out. So, when Ed gets into one of his "throw away anything that has sat there for more than two days" moods, I thank God for him. Otherwise, we would live amidst piles up to our eyeballs. He recognizes that I am a "pile-it" (sounds like "pilot") and he balances me.

In the times when we may get on each other's nerves or when we see life from opposite perspectives, I know that this is God's affirmation that He has given me a perfect gift. Now, I try to focus on the positive qualities of my husband. And to appreciate who he is and who God has given me.

We teach this principle whenever we teach others on marriage. When we go to Africa, we take them a gift and a reminder of this principle. We have the words "perfect gift" embossed on a rubber bracelet that has pink and blue colors swirled together. the pink and the blue represent the husband and wife who are joined together in oneness. They are not to be separated anymore than you could separate the two colors of the bracelet.

We have them look at each other every day and say "You are God's perfect gift for me."

Oneness takes hold.

2011-05-23T15:23:00.000-05:00

Greatest Marriage Proposal EVER!

Those Left Behind

2011-04-28T11:46:00.000-05:00

For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife. Genesis 2:24

When we teach our class to prepare couples for marriage, some of these couples have suggested that we teach a lesson for their parents from this verse.

Many jokes are made about in-laws. Mark Twain said, "Adam was the luckiest man; he had no mother-in-law." Some refer to them as the "outlaws." Annie Chapman wrote a book about mother-in-laws learning how to get along with their daughter-in-laws.

God is teaching us to leave the family in which we grew up (our family of origin). Then, we form a new family unit when we marry. Following God's direction to leave your family is essential to being able to bond together as a couple for oneness in a long term relationship. If either the husband or the wife hold on to the family of origin, they never really form a new family.

The new family (the husband and wife) is the new priority. The new spouse comes before the mother. father, or siblings in their priorities and loyalty. This transition is difficult for many young people, especially if they have never lived on their own or have they have always relied on their parents for physical, financial, and/or emotional support. However, parents can either make it easier or they can make it even more difficult for their children to leave.

For those left behind (family of origin), they are to release their child to a new family. They are to encourage their child in oneness in their new marriage, not coming between or interfering with the new husband and wife.

We have seen parents who hold onto their children and we have seen the ones who encourage them to be independent. I have seen couples who were in conflict or unhappy early in their marriage. When the child goes to his parents, godly parents send them home and say "work it out." Or when the child complains about his spouse, the parent will defend the spouse rather than taking sides with their own child.

Godly parents will not rescue their married children in marriage conflict or in financial difficulties, but direct them to the Lord.

We have also seen parents that insisted on giving their married children advise whether they want it or not. Sometimes, they have unreasonable expectations on how much time they spend together or what they expect their grown child to do for them. Most in-law conflicts come in the area or advise given/received and in time spent together.

We try to encourage couples not to go to parents or siblings when they have marital difficulties. It is very hard for the parent or sibling to be objective or detached. It also causes emotional distress for them, many times over minor issues. We encourage them to seek an objective third party for advice or guidance.

For the parents left behind - the best thing that you can do for your married children is to pray for them and not interfere with their marriage.

For more information:
Parents - Past and Present

WEDDING SEASON

2011-04-25T15:41:00.000-05:00

BEFORE THE WEDDING

The royal wedding of William and Kate is center-stage.

Publicity is rampant.

Every bride’s dream looks miniscule compared to the royal wedding. Estimates for the cost of the wedding start around $30 million. The average U.S. wedding costs $24,000 now.

When looking at wedding websites, the recommendation is to begin planning at least one year ahead, with checklists that include at least 50 items.

Of those 50 items, somewhere in the list is “decide on the officiant” (who is going to perform the ceremony). Then, you find out the officiant’s requirements.That item is the only one that refers to preparing for the actual marriage.

We often tell couples the wedding is a one-day event, the marriage lasts a life-time (we hope!).

The cost and preparation for the wedding far exceeds the preparation for the marriage for most couples.

Yet, research shows that couples who go through marital preparation are glad that they did and are more successful in their marriages.

In a research study for the Catholic Church (they have far exceeded other churches in requiring significant premarital preparation), they found:

The vast majority of individuals who have participated in marriage preparation programs view the experience as valuable early in their marriage.
Marriage preparation is perceived as most valuable when it is administered by a team.
The correlation of the intensity of marriage preparation and its perceived value increases with the number of sessions up to 8-9 sessions and then falls off again, suggesting that an intensity of 8-9 sessions might be ideal.

In Oklahoma, even though the state offers a $45 discount on a marriage license if the couple has premarital preparation, the majority of couples still do not do anythingt to prepare for marriage.

How can we be more effective at getting couples prepared? Churches can require it. Parents can insist on it. We can provide it. (We do couple-to-couple premarital counseling and also do premarital classes, see more info about classes).

THE ODDS FOR THE COUPLE

The Royal Couple chose a path before their marriage that greatly decreases their odds of making the marriage work—they have lived together for several years. Cohabitation increases the risk for divorce.

Other risk factors include:

Having a personality tendency to react strongly or defensively to problems and disappointments
Being previously divorced, yourself or your partner
Having children from a previous marriage/relationship
Having different religious backgrounds
Marrying at a very young age (example, at the ages of 18- 19).
Knowing each other only for a short time before marriage
Having financial hardship

What else leads to success?

Communicating well, eliminating negative patterns
Working as a team, even in disagreements.
Realistic beliefs about marriage
Having the same values for important things
Commitment, protecting your relationship, viewing your marriage as a long-term investment
Involvement in a faith group regularly
Having fun together

For more information on preparing for marriage, see:

The Price of Premarital Counseling

Preparing for Marriage Class

The Wedding or the Marriage

Money to Marry

Engaged Couples

Resources:

Prepare to Last

Power of Words

2011-04-14T13:30:00.000-05:00

The Word on our Words ...

2011-04-11T15:48:00.000-05:00

#1 WORD ON WORDS
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Ephesians 4:29(NIV)

This verse may be the most important on our words. God’s Word on our words is very clear. DO NOT speak words that are harmful! The word translated unwholesome in this verse means literally “rotten, putrefied,” such as rotten fruit. Other translations use the words “foul, dirty, abusive, corrupt.”

In contrast, we are to say words that will encourage and help others. The verse is not saying to falsely flatter a person, but to be kind and truthful in a way that will strengthen them.

We want to strengthen others according to what their real needs are, not just what they think they need. Real needs would include knowing God’s love for them, knowing His care and concern for them, knowing someone on this earth values them and believes in them.

When we speak in those ways, people WILL listen to our words and they will WANT to listen to what we say.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving. Dale Carnegie

Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another. Napoleon Hill

#2 WORD ON WORDS
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Ephesians 4:32 (NIV)

If we could put into practice this verse along with Ephesians 4:29 (see above), we could take care of most marriage and relationship problems.

Very simple, but not easy!

Three concepts:

Kindness
Compassion
Forgiveness

KINDNESS
We often challenge couples to be as kind to each other as they are to the clerk at the store. Most people use a civil tone, without anger or hurtful words to strangers.

How ‘bout we start treating those we love that way too?

People who work in the retail world can tell you that not everyone treats them with kindness. Most of us will find that we will get much better service and cooperation when we are intentional about speaking kindly, even complimenting those workers.

Kind words produce their own image in men's souls; and a beautiful image it is. They soothe and quiet and comfort the hearer. They shame him out of his sour, morose, unkind feelings. We have not yet begun to use kind words in such abundance as they ought to be used. Blaise Pascal

Kindness is the only service that will stand the storm of life and not wash out. Abraham Lincoln

COMPASSION
What does compassion really mean?

From the dictionary: a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.

When we think about our Lord, compassion is one of the first and foremost attributes.

The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. Psalm 103:8

The word compassion or compassionate is used over 100 times in the Bible (NAS) and most instances are in reference to God’s character. The more we understand His compassion for us, the easier it is for us to be compassionate towards others.

As we experience life’s hardships, the easier it is to identify with others’ hardship … and to be compassionate.

The whole idea of compassion is based on a keen awareness of the interdependence of all these living beings, which are all part of one another, and all involved in one another. Thomas Merton

FORGIVENESS
A key part of the verse in exhorting us to forgive is “just as in Christ God forgave you.”

We are to forgive in the same way God forgives us. When we receive Christ, God forgave us for everything we have ever done in the past or will do in the future.

We don’t forgive sins; we forgive the hurt. In the same way, that someone (Christ) had to pay for our sin, someone else pays for the hurt. The one who forgives pays the price. We no longer try to make the other person pay when we forgive. Paradoxically, the one who forgives derives the benefit of the forgiveness.

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. Lewis B. Smedes

Tongue of Fire

2011-04-06T13:36:00.000-05:00

A word out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything—or destroy it! It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. (James 3:5-6, The Message)

Words are powerful!

This verse uses the analogy of a spark starting a forest fire to the power of our words to hurt or destroy. At this time of a drought year in Oklahoma, we are well aware of how easily wildfires can start. One cigarette or ember from a fire in the dry ground, fanned by the high winds, spreads a small flame into a disastrous fire. The fire destroys acres of land, burns house, and anything in its path. Our words can be just as destructive.

We should never underestimate the power of our words to hurt or heal! And yet, we speak without thinking, without contemplating the effect of what we have said. Many communication problems originate with careless words.

Mark Twain aptly said: Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.

Wisdom says to think before you speak. Often the words rush out before we think. We wrongly think that we just need to have more self-control.

THE HEART
But the step before thinking is the condition of our heart towards another person. If we have animosity in our heart, we will speak hurtful words. If we have love in our heart, we speak loving and kind words. "For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks." Luke 6:45

Even in times of disagreement, we must be careful of our heart and our tone of voice.

HEAL OR HURT

Quarrels end, but words once spoken never die. (African proverb)

Amazingly enough, a person can remember hurtful words years after they are spoken. Often the incident that spurned the words are forgotten, but not the words. The words stick with us.

The words of some men are thrown forcibly against you and adhere like burrs. (Henry David Thoreau) "Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." (Proverbs 12:18)

We have a choice - words that hurt or words that heal. Wise and encouraging words can change the course of a person’s life.

Kind words are short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless. (Mother Teresa) "An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up." (Proverbs 12:25) Kind, encouraging words can do wonders for others who are weighted down with the worries of this world.

If we could really grab hold of the idea that our words can bring hope and healing, we would invest more time and energy into speaking and writing words of affirmation and love to the world around us.

Try it, see what happens!

Keys to a High Voltage Marriage - Faith Talks

2011-03-03T17:39:00.000-06:00

Another key is - start talking!

Not talking to my partner or talking to myself but talking to God. Nothing gives a marriage more high voltage energy than prayer. Pray for the other person - not that God will change him/her to meet my needs, but that God will bless him. Pray for his day and the difficulties he faces.

Pray that he will know the love of God more deeply. Use Paul's prayer for the Ephesians as a guide. Where it says "you" or "your" put in the name of your spouse. And pray this prayer for yourself, substitute, "me" and "my" in the prayer.

I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, … to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge -that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:16-19

We often have the idea that everything all disagreements must be resolved. All differences must be confronted. We must talk out and talk through every issue. The reality is that more is resolved by prayer than by talking to each other.

In our prayers for ourselves and our spouse, ask God for a new perspective. Ask Him to show you how your differences look from your spouse's perspective. Ask God to let your hear how your remarks sound to him/her. Pray for God to soften your heart towards your spouse. God cares about how you feel, you can trust Him with your emotions. He wants to listen to you; He wants you to talk to Him.

"God never gives us discernment in order that we may criticize, but that we may intercede." Oswald Chambers

Keys to a High Voltage Marriage - Expect Frayed Wiring

2011-02-28T14:54:00.000-06:00

Expect frayed wiring!

Conflict isn’t bad. It only means that you are part of the human race!

Working through a conflict can actually bring you to a much closer place in your relationship. Avoiding conflict is deadly.

Not that we have to talk through every single thing. There are some things that we just agree to disagree. But on vital issues, avoiding the conflict means that we push it under and it erupts later and worse. It is like holding a beach ball under water. I can do it for a while, but it takes a lot of energy and eventually it will pop up, higher than before.

An important point to remember - Your spouse is not your enemy; Satan is!

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." (John 10:10) Satan wants to divide us; Jesus wants to give us the abundant life!

In marriage, we have two people with different genders, different genetic makeup, different backgrounds, life experiences, and personalities. These two people come together and live in a very intimate relationship - up close and personal. Because we are in love, we think we are compatible. Actually, the former has nothing to do with the later!

Compatibility usually takes years to develop. In the mean time, we have conflict! Conflict is normal and happens to everyone. Those energy lines sometimes get frayed!

Recently, we came home one day to find part of the power in our house was out - not all of it, just part of it. Ed checked the breakers, nothing unusual there. These home maintenance problems at our house always happen on a Friday evening or on a holiday! Not one to like being without power in the winter, I called an electrician. Shortly after I called, Ed went out to the back yard and saw a guy from the power company up on a pole behind our house. As it turned out, there was some frayed wiring which caused some of the power to go out.

Frayed wiring in a marriage means that we are not getting all of the energy or power to our marriage. We may have some energy but we may also see sparks flying at times. Everyone has conflicts. The conflict isn't the problem, the problem is how we handle it.

Rather than run from conflict, expect it! Be prepared for it.

So, do not avoid it, just because it makes you uncomfortable. Conflict doesn’t mean you have a bad marriage or that you need to leave your job or friendship. It means you are human like the rest of us.

"Difficulties are meant to rouse, not discourage. The human spirit is to grow strong by conflict." William Ellery Channing

For other Keys to a High Voltage Marriage, see:

Keys to a High Voltage Marriage - Dare to Stare

2011-02-26T15:44:00.000-06:00

Take the dare – stare at your own life.

We went to Chicago a few years ago. We loved the giant mirrored bean-shaped sculpture in Millennium Park. No matter which side you look at, you see a distortion of the city or people or yourself.

Remember the "fun house" experience from childhood? Looking at different full-length mirrors. Some make us look fatter, some skinner, some do both. None give an accurate depiction of how we look.

Today, we have high definition TV which gives a more detailed picture of what we are viewing - sometimes more details than we want to see.

Many of us look at our own life through a distorted mirror. We do not see an accurate view of how we act in marriage or other relationships. We really need to take an HD view instead. We need to look at the details accurately - the way they are seen by others.

I often blame my spouse for what is wrong in our marriage or in my life, instead of looking in the mirror at me. A key to taking marriage from good to great is for me to look in the mirror at my life and how my actions are seen by others.

Blame started right after the Fall. When God asked Adam about eating the forbidden fruit, Adam replied, "The man said, “The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.” Adam first blamed God for giving him Eve, then blamed Eve for giving him the fruit. He never took responsibility for what happened. Blame started at the beginning of the human race.

What happens when you ask your children, "who did this?" The answer is always to blame someone else, usually a sibling. We don't have to be taught to blame; we do it on our own.

When a couple has a conflict, the most common response is to blame the other one. Then defensiveness sets in. A broken relationship often results.

Blame is an energy-drain. If I am blaming someone else, then I am always right and am not teachable. When I look at my part, God can speak to me and show me my part of the difficulty.

Being willing to look at my stuff takes humility rather than pride. I am willing to say I am wrong or I didn’t adequately communicate my intent. I take responsibility for my part of a conflict or hurt. I see God about how He can change me from the inside - no matter what my spouse does or doesn't do.

As long as I am waiting for the other person to change before I am willing to change produces a stalemate in most marriages. I can be the one to take a step in the right direction - following the Lord. I can listen and hear what He wants to say to me.

I can put energy back into the marriage by taking the dare - stare at your own actions and attitudes.

"The superior man blames himself. The inferior man blames others." Don Shula (American football coach)

Keys to a High Voltage Marriage - Cut up the List

2011-02-16T16:55:00.000-06:00

Cut up the List!

To have a high voltage marriage we must cut up those lists we keep in our heads of past offenses and of future expectations.

To get rid of the list of past offenses, I must forgive.

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32.

Part of forgiveness means that I don’t keep that list of offenses anymore, just as God doesn’t keep a list of our offenses. He says to forgive in the same way that He does.

"As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." Psalm 103:12

"You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea." Micah 7:19

What does forgiveness of another person mean? It means that I don’t dwell on the offense and I don’t try to punish (payback) the other person for the hurt. It means that I don't keep the list of hurts in my head.

Unforgiveness is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die. You aren't hurting the other person as much as you are hurting yourself by not forgiving. Forgiveness brings life and energy to each of us individually and to our marriage.

It [love] keeps no record of wrongs. 1 Corinthians 13:5

To cut up the list of future expectations, I have to trust God with those expectations. I follow His will for me; I do my part. Then, I leave the results up to Him—that is real trust. We cannot control or determine the outcome or the results of our actions in another person’s life anyway. The sooner that we realize that fact, the less stressful and angry our life will be.

Unmet expectations drain a marriage. Giving up expectations bring energy to the marriage.

For a high voltage marriage, cut up those lists of past offenses and of future expectations!

Also, see:

__________________________

Keys to a High Voltage Marriage - Be in the Know

2011-02-13T20:25:00.005-06:00

Be in the Know.
Be a student of your mate!

Each of us tends to demonstrate love to his/her spouse in a way that is meaningful to us.

When we were first married, physical affection was very important to me. I came from a home where we hugged and kissed a lot. My dad had always been very affectionate to my mom, my sister, and I. My mother came from a large family. We all hugged a lot when we saw each other. I thought everyone was that way.

Ed's family is affectionate too, but not to the same degree as my family. He is a more reserved person and was always more private about any display of affection. I came to realize that his affection was not a measure of his love for me but more a reflection of his personality.

He didn't really respond to affection but companionship was more important to him. My presence means more to him than holding hands or hugging. He doesn't need me to talk - just be there. He loves it when I will work in the yard with him; I don't usually accomplish much, but I am there with him. He loves for me to go fishing with him. We don't have to talk, just enjoy the time together. I had to learn how to show my love to him in a way he could receive it. But I also had to learn to interpret his expressions of love so that I could receive them.

Gary Chapman wrote a book several years ago, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts
which continues to be a best-seller. His premise is that there are five primary ways that people want to be loved -

Gifts
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Acts of Service
Physical Touch

Like most women, after having children, as we get older, acts of service become even more important. However, some acts of service are more important than others.

Ed has always been very helpful around the house - he cleans, cooks, fixes things. But I have always made the bed. I would prefer to make the bed. I usually make the bed right before I get dressed. One day I came in to get dressed, the bed was already made. Hmmmm...... The next day, bed made again. Hmmmm...... I asked Ed, "Why are you making the bed now?" He said that he just wanted to serve me.

I appreciated his heart of service, but I don't mind making the bed. I like it made with the pillows arranged a certain way, the throw folded and put across the corner. You get the idea.

I told him that I really appreciated the thought, but if he wanted to serve me, he could wash my car.

I have seen situations where the husband gave his wife an expensive gift but the wife would rather have his time. The gift represented time he worked away from her to earn the money to buy the gift. He spent a lot of time working, she really wanted his time and attention.

Not every act of service is meaningful to the recepient. That is why we advocate being "a student of your mate." It's not just knowing their love language but what particular way do they receive it as love. Just because gifts are a person's love language doesn't mean every gift is meaningful.

Being a student of your mate is a study that we never finish. You never graduate from that school.

The principle applies to other areas besides just love. How do we show respect in a way the other can recognize and receuve it? How do we apologize or show forgiveness in a way our spouse can receive it?
Don’t give in the way you want to receive, give in the way your spouse wants to receive.

For a high voltage marriage - Be in the Know, Be a Student of Your Mate.

Also see, Key A - Assume Nothing.

Keys to a High Voltage Marriage - Assume Nothing

2011-02-09T16:40:00.000-06:00

Remember Johnny Carson on the tonight show? Remember his Carnac routine? (if you are too young to remember him, look him up on youtube!)

He would have a sealed envelope that he would hold up. He would give an answer, then open the envelope and read the question. He knew what was there by mind reading.

How often do we mind read or expect our spouse to mind read?

Assume Nothing - No mind reading!

Mind reading is when you decide on your own what the other person is thinking or what their motivation is.

How many arguments or offenses come from someone deciding what the other one is thinking or why they did what they did? We just know that they were being inconsiderate or trying to make life harder for us. How often do we become angry or defensive when someone just asks a question? We assume they are questioning our judgement. MIND READING!

Ladies, have you ever said "he should just know that?"! Guys, have you ever been frustrated because your wife doesn't know your sexual desires? Do you ever think that she should know without you telling her? MIND READING!

Have you ever gone to the kitchen to get that last piece of pie? It was gone and you think that he ate it just so you couldn't have it. Or you have gone in to take a shower and the shower floor was slick. Your wife just shaved her legs using some moisturizing lotion and you think she is trying to make you fall down? MIND READING!

I can't begin to count the number of times that I have been meeting with a woman in a one-on-one session and she prefaced what she told me with "I know you are going to think that I shouldn't have done ....." MIND READING!

I always encourage them to let me decide what I am going to think, "don't project your thoughts into mine." The same holds true for husbands and wives - don't decide what your spouse is going to say or what they are thinking.

Dave Barry, American humorist and columnist, explains why it is wrong to assume anything about your husband, "Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically."

Assumptions are dangerous. They drain a marriage and can be very distructive to a relationship of any kind. If there is a misunderstanding or if you have been offended, ask the other person to explain what they mean. Rather than getting defensive or attacking, assume good will by the other. Then ask for clarification, in a genuine, sincere tone of voice. For example, "I was wondering if you could clarify what you are saying. I am not questioning you, just asking a question."

To energize your marriage - Assume Nothing!

[more tips for a high voltage marriage to follow in days ahead]

Rate Your Energy Level

2011-02-07T15:42:00.000-06:00

Energy is a huge topic in America today. We need a lot of energy to keep our houses warm, the lights on, and our cars moving. We talk about renewable energy versus fossil fuels. In Oklahoma, we have a lot of oil and natural gas, but we also have a lot of wind and sun.

All of these can bring us power. But most of these were not the source of their own energy; ultimately, the source of energy on earth is the sun. Without the sun, there would be no fossil fuels or even wind. Without the sun, we would not have plants, which can also supply energy. They supply us energy, the calories we need to stay alive.

One of the greatest inventions for modern society is the battery. Batteries make our energy portable - car batteries, flashlight batteries, laptop batteries ..... We wouldn't have ipods or cell phones without batteries. When I was a kid, we had to throw away our batteries after they went dead. Now, we have re-chargeable batteries - expanding the use of batteries. Cell phones and laptops would be soooo different if their batteries didn't recharge. Can you imagine trying to keep enough AAA or D batteries to run these electronic gadgets?

But watch your charge! Have you ever been working on a project on your laptop and it shuts down? Ouch! Or needing to make a call and your phone is dead? That little icon on my phone is an important gauge.

What does the gauge on your marriage say?

Rate your marriage energy level:

Danger , May Shut Down! - Our marriage has no energy in it. I wonder how we can make it another year.
Critical Condition - We are committed to stay together but there is very little energy in our marriage. I know we need to do something soon.
Needs Charge - We have a good marriage, but we really need to take some intentional steps to put more energy and vitality in our marriage.
Energized - We have a great marriage, but there is room for a boost.
Power Packed - Our marriage couldn’t get any better!

What if you rated your marriage in any of the middle three categories? Take the steps to recharge that we started on the last two posts. More marriage-charging suggestions will follow on our next posts.

What if you are in the danger zone? DO NOT GIVE UP! Your battery can always be recharged if you plug it in. God is big enough to give new life to your marriage.

What if you are in the fully charged stage? Do you want to stay there? Keep up the energy charging tips. Don't think the charge will last forever.

See:
New Year, New Marriage
Energize
Tips to Recharge Your Marriage

"The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one often comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won't." Henry Ward Beecher

Tips to Recharge Your Marriage

2011-02-04T22:30:00.003-06:00

Have you ever had a battery that could not be recharged? I had to replace the battery on my previous computer because it got to a place of not being able to recharge. It started out great but gradually got harder and harder to charge.

In marriage, we must RECHARGE. Just as a rechargeable battery takes time to recharge, recharging our marriage takes time—nothing takes the place of time together! Unlike a man-made battery, marriage can ALWAYS be recharged. In the previous post, I talked about the role of the Holy Spirit in recharging marriage. While the Holy Spirit is working, we also can take practical steps.

• Intimacy in a relationship takes time! Establish regular times for connecting:

At least 15 minutes per day - even though 15 minutes doesn't sound like a long time, some couples find it challenging to find that much time alone, especially in the preschool years. Find the time and STAY FOCUSED on each other.
A date once a week - by yourselves to have fun, isn't that where you started? No kids, no friends, no family - just the two of you, for at least 2 or 3 hours. The date doesn't have to be expensive, take a walk, go for a drive. Can't afford a sitter? Find a friend to trade with - one Friday night you go out and they keep the kids. The next Friday night, you keep the kids and your firends go out for the evening.
A yearly get-away by yourself - even if you can only go for 2 or 3 days, it is important to get away to have fun together, to remember what it was like before you had kids.

REMEMBER you want to keep a strong marital bond and friendship while the kids are growing up, so that you will still have a marriage when they leave home. Parents often feel guilty about working all day and not being with their kids in the evening. It is often said that the best way to love your kids is to love your spouse. Having a strong marital relationship gives children a sense of security.

• A key to intimacy is spending time sharing your desires, dreams, deepest thoughts. and emotions. Nothing can take the place of time spent together connecting on a very personal level.

In his book Fighting for Your Marriage, marriage researcher Dr. Howard Markman reports that the amount of fun couples had together emerged as the single strongest factor in their overall marital happiness. Other positives were occurring in these relationships—but good relationships became great when they were preserving both the quantity and quality of fun times together.

Marriage takes work but should also be fun!

2011-02-01T13:05:00.001-06:00

Love always brings difficulties, that is true, but the good side of it is that it gives energy. Vincent van Gogh

Droves of people are analyzing energy sources, how to save energy, and new ways to create energy. As the cost of energy continues to escalate, we seek to conserve energy as we plug anything that drains energy.

We caulk around windows, put insulation in the attic, and turn off lights. Then we look for ways to make the energy usage more efficient.

Marriage has it’s own energy—both the drains and the sources. Many marriages fail because the couples have no energy to resolve the difficulties between them; the energy goes out faster than it comes in.

Whole cities sometimes have black-outs or brown-outs when the demand for energy supersedes the supply.

Married couples who ignore the signs of the “brown-out” often move on to a “black-out” …. and nothing is left to recharge the relationship.

To energize your marriage, first we look at what is draining the energy out and seek to plug the drains.

Common energy drains are often a lack of time together, demands of raising kids, hurtful words, work, differences, physical fatigue, expectations of others (some people suck the life out of you), screen time (computer, video games), financial stress, hobbies, fear, anxiety, and worry.

Instead of attacking or blaming the other person, we need to examine what is sapping away our strength.

It is wise to direct your anger towards problems -- not people; to focus your energies on answers -- not excuses. William Arthur Ward

To preserve the strength of the marriage, we must not let the difficulties and challenges of life come between us as a husband and wife. As quoted above, we need to focus on reducing the stress of the problem, not being angry at the people who are involved.

We must RECHARGE. Just as a rechargeable battery takes time to recharge, recharging our marriage takes time—nothing takes the place of time together!

We cannot create energy, all energy has a source. Our part is to plug into that source.

ENERGY SOURCE ....

If you have 120 volts of electricity coming into your house but you have broken wiring, you may turn on the switch, but nothing works - no lights come on, the stove doesn't warm, the radio doesn't turn on. Why? Because you have broken wiring. The power is ready to do its work..., but where there is broken wiring, there is no power. Unity is necessary among the children of God if we are going to know the flow of power...to see God do His wonders. A. W. Tozer

His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. 2 Peter 1:3

The Holy Spirit, who dwells in us, has the power that we need to bring the energy to our marriage. If we overlook or bypass the true source of our renewable energy, we will burn out—“dead battery syndrome.”

He has given us that power but He doesn’t force us to plug into it. We can have all the power we need but can still have a dead battery if we aren’t plugged in.

God’s desire is not that we exhaust our lives with the many activities or even with ministry, but that we spend time with Him. Jesus did it. The disciples did. Why would we be different?

Marriage Traps

2011-01-20T12:16:00.000-06:00

Expectations are traps that take away our participation in our present. They set us up for battles of misunderstanding. Remember, expectations are nothing but premeditated resentments. Author unknown

My idea of what a husband/wife should be is .........
When I get married, my marriage will include .....
I am sure my husband/wife will know to ....

We go into marriage (and life) with so many expectations. Expectations can be some of the most disturbing and disrputive parts of marriage. A friend of mine, who has also worked with young, married couples a lot, suggested it might be better if we went into marriage with no expectations. As I thought about the idea, I decided it would be really sad if a person didn't expect to be happy and have a great marriage.

So, how do we keep those expectations from becoming resentments? In marriage, it's very important to discuss our expectations before marriage and as we go through the marriage journey. We couldn't begin to talk about every expectation; some of them are deeply hidden within our mind, we might not even be aware of them. Every man and every woman goes into marriage with a list in his/her head of what a good wife is, what a good husband is, what a good marriage looks like. Most often, we don't reveal these lists to each other .... not until they aren't met.

Ultimately, we have to learn what it means to give those expectations to God. "Trust God" has almost become a cliche' in the Christian culture, regardless of the veracity of it. I can convert my expectations into desires in my life - desires that I pray about, desires that I do my part, regardless of the response of the other person. We usually try to make those desires happen on our own, which involves trying to control, manipulate, or change someone else. The "trusting God" part is when I quit trying to make those desires happen.

We leave the results of what we do, the results of what we pray, up to God. We turn loose of the results. We don't try to control the results. We don't try to change other people. The reality is that we can't anyway. We cannot control anyone else. We cannot change anyone else. The change is God's work in a person's life and their response to Him.

Unmet expectations usually result in anger and/or hurt, leading to bitterness and resentment. The red flag in my relationships is the anger or hurt. At that point, I have to go back and ask myself what the expectation or goal was. Was the expectation or goal something that I could accomplish on my own? If not, then I can release it to God and let Him do His work. I do what He leads me to do on my part and I leave the results up to Him.

If I focus more on the good that my partner does, rather than the unmet expectations, suddenly life becomes better.

Some verses (my emphasis added) that give me guidance in what to do in the times of unmet expectations:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. Phillipians 4:8-9 (NIV)
Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. Colossians 3:1-2 (NIV)
Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on [trust in] ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and He will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope that He will continue to deliver us. 2 Corinthians 1:9-10 (NIV)

I don't have to step into the marriage trap of unmet expectations. Remember, expectations are nothing but premeditated resentments.

Love and War, Devotional for Couples - Book Review

2011-01-10T10:35:00.006-06:00

Reality. The first year of marriage. How did I get here? What have I done?

These thoughts speed through the mind of most newly marrieds. Couples struggle with answers to those questions much of their marriage as they hang onto inappropriate expectations of marriage. John and Stasi Eldredge talk us through the reality of marriage to find “the marriage you have always dreamed of.”

Love and War, Devotional for Couples is a companion to their book, Love and War. Since I have not read the book, I was curious as to how meaningful the devotional would be as a stand-alone book.

The devotional has eight weeks/five days per week of devotional material. Each week has a theme:
1. Remembering What We Wanted
2. The Two Shall Become One
3. The Journey
4. Companionship
5. Your Spouse Is Not Your Enemy
6. The Little Foxes
7. Increasing Intimacy
8. The Most Excellent Way

The dimensions of the book are small; each devotional is 2-3 small pages, making them very easy to read and digest. Included at the end of each one is a prayer to offer to the Lord. On the fifth day of each week’s section is an exercise to aid in application. The exercises are written towards one person – not requiring the participation of the other spouse. They guide the way for one person to be able to make a difference in a marriage.

Most of us, who have been married for very long, learn that unconditional love is impossible on our own. I do not have the strength, the resources, or the capacity to love in that way. That kind of love only comes from God, but He has given us His Spirit to receive that love and to love others in the same way.

John and Stasi Eldridge make that concept come alive in their book and direct the reader back to the Lord who loves him with an everlasting love.

In the first day’s reading, they acknowledge how hard marriage is, but they also give hope. “Marriage is meant to be wonderful, and most of the time it is. Though it’s sometimes so hard, think of the difficulty as a doorway. A doorway to all the more Jesus has for us in himself. There is hope!”

Through the devotional they take the reader on a journey to find the heart of God towards them and towards their marriage. The journey is a love story. The love story expands beyond the couple to the kingdom of God.

"Remember, we live in a love story, set in the midst of war. Love is our destiny, and all hell is set against it. We wake each morning and find that we have to fight our way back to all that is true, fight off the thousand reasons to settle for less than the life we were created for. Our bodies awaken, but them our hearts and souls must awaken, too, so that we might play our part in the grand affair. And God has made our hearts in such a way that nothing awakens us quite like some great mission, which is ours alone to fulfill. You have a mission. Your spouse needs you. The kingdom of God needs your marriage. And God is on your side. It will worth it.”

It is worth it! This devotional will encourage you and give you hope. It will help you see God’s love for you and a path to the joy of loving your spouse in a way that transcends the difficulties of this life.

(I received this book for free from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group for this review.)

New Year New Marriage

2011-01-05T11:17:00.005-06:00

Who would like a new marriage?
Maybe a new husband or a new wife?

You can have a new marriage and a new spouse. I highly encourage it.

But don't get a divorce. Make your current marriage new. Become a new husband or a new wife. You will have a new spouse in no time, without a divorce.

How does that happen? There is an old saying that crazy is when you keep doing the same thing and expecting different results. So, to have something different, you have to do something different.

To have a different marriage, DO something different.

Here's a simple place to start. Read a devotional for marriage. Think about what you are reading, then apply it.

If you are doing it alone, I suggest you try the Love Dare. This book will give you 40 days of devotions and specific encouragement of things to do to minister to and encourage your spouse.

You may be thinking "He's the one that needs to read the book" or "Why do I have to be the only one trying?"

I can tell you from my experience and the experiences of others that one person can change the atmosphere and dynamics of a marriage. You are choosing to love (an action and an attitude, not just a feeling) unconditionally. We each want to be loved unconditionally. Am I willing to love my husband/wife unconditionally? That means I will be kind and considerate in my tone; I will demonstrate acts of love in my actions.

This devotional will encourage you in God's perspective and His power, as well as give suggestions on acts of love.

You can have a new marriage in the new year!

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-24T14:40:00.000-06:00

11 Rules of Marriage by Dennis Rainey

2010-12-17T11:33:00.000-06:00

Dennis Rainey of FamilyLife recently wrote his 11 rules of marriage. Here's a repost of his column.

Rule 1: Marriage isn’t about your happiness. It’s not about you getting all your needs met through another person. Practicing self-denial and self-sacrifice, patience, understanding, and forgiveness are the fundamentals of a great marriage. If you want to be the center of the universe, then there’s a much better chance of that happening if you stay single.

Rule 2: Getting married gives a man a chance to step up and finish growing up. The best preparation for marriage for a single man is to man up now and keep on becoming the man God created him to be.

Rule 3: It’s okay to have one rookie season, but it’s not okay to repeat your rookie season. You will make rookie mistakes in your first year of marriage; the key is that you don’t continue making those same mistakes in year five, year 10, or year 20 of your marriage.

Rule 4: It takes a real man to be satisfied with and love one woman for a lifetime. And it takes a real woman to be content with and respect one man for a lifetime.

Rule 5: Love isn’t a feeling. Love is commitment. It’s time to replace the “D word”—divorce—with the “C word”—commitment. Divorce may feel like a happy solution, but it results in long-term toxic baggage. You can’t begin a marriage without commitment. You can’t sustain one without it either. A marriage that goes the distance is really hard work. If you want something that is easy and has immediate gratification, then go shopping or play a video game.

Rule 6: Online relationships with old high school or college flames, emotional affairs, sexual affairs, and cohabiting are shallow and illegitimate substitutes for the real thing. Emotional and sexual fidelity in marriage is the real thing.

Rule 7: Women spell romance R-E-L-A-T-I-O-N-S-H-I-P. Men spell romance S-E-X. If you want to speak romance to your spouse, become a student of your spouse and enroll in a lifelong “Romantic Language School,” and become fluent in your spouse’s language.

Rule 8: During courtship, opposites attract. After marriage, opposites can repel each another. You married your spouse because he/she is different. Differences are God’s gift to you to create new capacities in your life. Different isn’t wrong, it’s just different.

Rule 9: Pornography robs men of a real relationship with a real person and poisons real masculinity, replacing it with the toxic killers of shame, deceit, and isolation. Pornography siphons off a man’s drive for intimacy with his wife. Marriage is not for wimps. Accept no substitutes.

Rule 10: As a home is built, it will reflect the builder. Most couples fail to consult the Master Architect and His blueprints for building a home. Instead a man and woman marry with two sets of blueprints (his and hers). As they begin building, they discover that a home can’t be built from two very different sets of blueprints.

Rule 11: How you will be remembered has less to do with how much money you make or how much you accomplish and more with how you have loved and lived.

Pass on “The Rules” to a friend who will enjoy them!

A Perfect Gift for Your Marriage

2010-12-08T15:15:00.004-06:00

Black Friday ... Cyber Monday ... weekly specials ... today only - no shipping!!!

What's do I get for my husband?
In a time of uncertain economics, do I spend a lot of money?
Do I buy something else that takes up space?
What if she doesn't like it?

Instead of buying a gift for your husband or wife, what if you agreed to buy a gift for your marriage?

What would be a perfect gift for your marriage?

A few suggestions:

Set aside money to have a party on your anniversary to celebrate with friends. Affirm your commitment and love to each other with friends.
Take a weekend or a day just for the two of you (no friends or kids) to enjoy each other and have fun. Fan the flame of romance that brought you together.
Sign-up for a marriage conference, such as FamilyLife's Weekend to Remember, during the coming year. Make it a get-away for the two of you.
Plan date nights together for the coming year. Plan one a month for each month in 2011.
Take an evening together and write together three things that you can do during the coming year to strengthen your marriage.
Enroll or commit to take a marriage class together during the coming year.
Each of you write a tribute to the other one and to your marriage. Share it with your family and friends.
Read a marriage book together or do a study together. (see suggestions for these on a another post in the near future).
Give the gift of acceptance - tell your spouse that you love him as he is if he never changes, and mean it.
Give the gift of forgiveness. Write down any offense or hurt from your spouse that you still carry around in your head. Tell God that you are not going to try to punish your husband/wife for that offense or hurt. He doesn't punish you for your sin once you have received the gift of forgiveness through His Son, whom He sent to earth to be the sacrifice for our sins. Tell God that you will not keep bringing up the offense just as He doesn't bring up our sins; they are cast to the depths of the ocean. Tell God that you will no longer dwell on that offense, even if it comes to your mind. Then tear up the list.

This gift is the gift of grace that God gave us through Jesus Christ. The perfect gift to give each other because of Him. The true reason for the season.

Divorce in America

2010-11-15T13:50:00.000-06:00

Last week, I learned that Huffington Post had launched a section on its website about divorce.

Arianna Huffington is a product of divorced parents and she is also divorced, with children. In her article about the launch of the section, she said, "I've always thought that, as a country, we do a lousy job of addressing how we can do divorce differently -- and better. Especially when there are children involved."

Instead of spending the time and energy to help people go through a divorce, wouldn't it make more sense to spend the time and energy on helping people prepare for marriage and do it well? Maybe we wouldn't have so many broken-hearted kids. The divorce section was inspired by Nora Ephron and her writings on her own divorce. She is a regular contributor.

Ephron recognizes the impact of divorce on kids. She writes in her article, Nora Ephron: The D Word "But I can't think of anything good about divorce as far as the children are concerned. You can't kid yourself about that, although many people do. They say things like, "It's better for children not to grow up with their parents in an unhappy marriage." But unless the parents are beating each other up, or abusing the children, kids are better off if their parents are together. Children are much too young to shuttle between houses. They're too young to handle the idea that the two people they love most in the world don't love each other anymore, if they ever did. They're too young to understand that all the wishful thinking in the world won't bring their parents back together. And the newfangled rigmarole of joint custody doesn't do anything to ease the cold reality: in order to see one parent, the divorced child must walk out on the other."

On the upside, at least they are including some notable scholars, who support working at marriage and are giving some good advice about marriage, divorce, and children. Included on the page are Elizabeth Marquardt: Why Your "Good Enough" Marriage Is Good for Your Kids and a Q&A with Judith Wallerstein, author of The Unexpeccted Legacy of Divorce.

The Wonder of the Mystery

2010-10-06T23:08:00.000-05:00

Mystery books are some of the most popular on the market. They are not my favorite genre. Occassionally, I will read one that has some other aspect that is interesting to me.

To me a mystery is a story that has a detective trying to find our the answer to a crime, usually a murder. And, of course. the answer is not easy to find - often there is a surprise twist at the end. I like mysteries with a pleasant twist at the end, such as The #1 Ladies Detective Agency series, which I find delightful. But sometimes, the twist at the end of books makes me mad .... the John Grisham style.

In mystery books, something bad happens, no one knows who did it. The central character spends the whole book trying to find out who or why. Life is full of mysteries but not the type in these books. Some mysteries add fun and intrigue to life. Some just frustrate me. Then there are the situations that seem very mysterious when we are young, but age brings understanding. The mysterious becomes simple. Life would be so bland without some mystery.

The mystery book that I enjoy reading most often is the Bible. Never thought of the Bible as a mystery book? God talks about a "mystery" at least 25 times. Last Sunday, we were teaching from Ephesians 3. Verse 4 says, "In reading this, then, you will be able to understand my insight into the mystery of Christ."

But the mysteries in the Bible are much different. These mysteries are the best kind of all. God reveals "the mystery" to us through one of his own. These mysteries involve God blessing us with His riches.

Many of life's specials blessings involved mysteries at one time, but no longer. When we married, cohabitation was considered "shacking up" - something most of us would not even consider. Today, many couples live together first - eliminating the pleasure of the mystery. I remember a few years ago, a young couple, who visited our class for a while, got married after living together for at least a year. When asked how married life was, he said "not any different." Part of the wonder of marriage is the discovery of the "up close and personal" companion. The unfolding of that relationship, while joined in a commitment for a lifetime, brings great joy (most of the time!).

Another mystery, which my generation enjoyed, has to do with children. Ultrasounds were in their infancy when I had our first child, almost 30 years ago. We could sort of tell that a baby was in the picture, but they weren't sophisticated enough to show the gender of the child. I had a "mystery" child in my womb. Some of you are thinking that your child is still a mystery to you. But today's parents now know the gender of their children. The name is picked out. The nursery is appropriately decorated. The mystery is revealed before the birth.

The most exciting revelation of mystery has to be the one God gave us in Ephesians 3:6 "This mystery is that through the gospel the Gentiles are heirs together with Israel, members together of one body, and sharers together in the promise in Christ Jesus." The revealation of this mystery does not detract from the wonder of the Christian life, but instead multiplies the phenomenon of grace - the promise of Jesus Christ.

Money to Marry

2010-10-01T17:12:00.001-05:00

We can’t afford to get married.

Have you ever heard a young couple say that? What they often mean by that statement is that they do not have enough money to have the wedding, reception, and honeymoon that they want.

But frequently, they mean that they can’t afford to buy the house and lifestyle that they want as a married couple. So, instead of marrying, they live together. Often, they even start a family together.

Even though the economic downturn has greatly affected older adults, the young, lower-education, working class adults are having trouble finding the jobs to provide for the lifestyle they expect.

A recent article, "The Generation That Can't Move On Up," by Andrew Cherlin (professor at Johns Hopkins University) and W. Bradford Wilcox (director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia) explains what is happening.

Working-class couples still value marriage highly. But they don't think they have what it takes to make a marriage work. Across all social classes, in fact, Americans now believe that a couple isn't ready to marry until they can count on a steady income. That's an increasingly high bar for the younger working class. As a result, cohabitation is emerging as the relationship of choice for young adults who have some earnings but not enough steady work to reach the marriage bar.

However, we know that cohabitating relationships don’t last. Children who are born to cohabitating parents are more than twice as likely as children born to married parents to see their parents break up by age five.

This problem compounds in a child’s life when parents get on a relationship-go-round, bringing a series of partners or stepparents into the home. Cherlin and Cox also explain how this group’s economic and family situation is affecting their church attendance.

But now, when a transformed economy makes marriage and steady work more difficult to attain, those who in better times might have married and attended church appear to be reluctant to show up. Thus, working-class men and women aren't going to religious services as often as they used to.

Culturally, we have set up these young adults for unrealistic expectations of marriage and the prestige of money. Money has taken first place. As Christians, our role can be to avoid letting income levels become the basis of social acceptance, to embrace and encourage these young couples.

How can Christians today reach out to these young, working class adults who are avoiding church and marriage?

Women, Money, and Fear

2010-10-01T16:10:00.000-05:00

Our daughter is a “bag lady.”

Depending on your age, one of two images will probably come to your mind.

If you are as young as she is, you are probably thinking of someone who looks like this young women who loves purses. Our daughter has several large bags and could easily live out of those bags. In fact, she has lived out of them.

But if you are closer to my age, another image will probably come to mind. This woman is disheveled and homeless, carrying bags with all of her belongings. Her “bags” are stuffed full of her “valuables,” all that she owns. The thought of becoming a real homeless “bag lady” is a fear many women have.

The most documented female money fear is commonly referred to as the "bag lady syndrome," or anxiety about finding yourself suddenly destitute and on skid row. Many well- known, affluent woman have admitted to having this fear.

Most marriage resources list financial security as one of the top needs for women. This security is closely related to this fear of not having a home, “the bag lady.”

Most men don’t realize how strong this need is in a woman’s life. Part of it stems from a woman’s sense of vulnerability physically—a fear of assault, physically and/or sexually. Another part is the “nesting and nurturing” attribute of women. They have an innate sense of making a home for their family, nurturing, and protecting their children.

If a woman has experienced financial distress, either as a child or as an adult, this need for financial security can become even stronger.

Marriage and Financial Fears

What does that mean for marriage? Husbands can be aware of the strong emotional reaction that they may receive if the home if not financially secure. He can also partner with his wife in making a realistic budget and staying with it. As they review their finances together regularly, the wife can gain confidence in the couple's financial faithfulness.

Men and women have financial fears, but women’s fears are different than men’s.

The kind of fear with which most of us walk around is not a fear that God gave us. This fear came with our independence from God.

God wants us to have faith, wisdom, and godliness, not fear. His desire is that we be good managers of His money and to seek wise counsel in making the decisions. But recognizing the fears help us to see where our faith is lacking and helps us to understand our emotional reactions.

Besides the fear of being poor, women often fear losing money, looking stupid, borrowing money, making a plan and sticking to it, investing, not trusting themselves (putting financial decisions in someone else’s hands), and keeping the wrong advisors (they know it’s hard to turn loose of their relationships).

The Provider and Protector

Security is not the absence of danger, but the presence of God, no matter what the danger.

For the woman, who experiences the “bag lady syndrome,” understanding God’s presence in her life as our Protector and Provider can turn fear into confidence.

God wants us to experience Him as our Provider. He is not saying that we sit around and do nothing until money drops in our lap.

But He is saying that when we are faithful to do our part (even though He provides for the birds, they have to get up every morning and look for worms.), He will provide. In marriage, He has ordained husbands to be the conduit through which He wants to provide. (Genesis 2:15, 1 Timothy 3:8)

God is our provider. So Abraham called that place The LORD Will Provide. And to this day it is said, "On the mountain of the LORD it will be provided." (Genesis 22:14)

God is our Protector. "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. (Psalm 91:14-15)

Marriage and Poverty

2010-09-20T17:30:00.000-05:00

How do we help people stay out of poverty?

Help them wait until marriage to have children and help them stay married. If we really care about children we will learn how to help their parents in long-term solutions.

Instead of throwing money at consequences, we need to look at the root causes to our culture's greatest issues.

The Heritage Foundation released a report, "Marriage: America’s Greatest Weapon Against Child Poverty," on how the poverty rate relates to marriage and single-parent childbirth. They report:
Child poverty is an ongoing national concern, but few are aware that its principal cause is the absence of married fathers in the home. Marriage remains America’s strongest anti-poverty weapon, yet it continues to decline. As husbands disappear from the home, poverty and welfare dependence will increase, and children and parents will suffer as a result.

Marriage can reduce the probability of a child living in poverty by 82%. The rate of children born to married parents has declined dramatically in the last 50 years. Now, 4 of 10 children born in America have unmarried parents. Some of those parents will remain unmarried the whole life of the child. Most will marry someone other than the child's other parent, putting the child into a stepfamily immediately.

As people of faith, we can personally do everything possible to make sure that we are married and stay married if we are going to have children. Also, that we do whatever we can to help others to stay married.

We can wait for the government to address the root issues of the problem, which they are starting to do. The government is already spending millions each year to deal with the consequences of this problem.

Or we can help families in our communities strengthen their marriages and teach their children to wait for marriage to have their children.

Let us join together to strengthen marriages and to help children out of poverty.

Happiest Wives

2010-08-31T11:07:00.000-05:00

What makes wives happiest?

W. Bradford Wilcox and Steven Nock investigated that question. They did a research study and found seven top issues, in order of importance:

A husband’s emotional engagement. (making an effort to listen to them, expressing affection and appreciation on a regular basis, sharing quality time on a regular basis)
Fairness. (housework and other family responsibilities are divided fairly)
A breadwinning husband. (happier when their husband earns 68% or more of the household income)
A commitment to marriage. (a strong commitment to the norm of lifelong marriage)
Staying at home. (Wives who stay at home tend to be happier in their marriages than wives who work outside the home. This is particularly true for women who have children in the home.)
Shared religious attendance. (attending church or some other worship service with their husbands)
Traditional gender attitudes. (Wives who hold more traditional gender attitudes—e.g., who believe that wives should focus more on nurturing/homemaking and husbands should focus more on breadwinning—are happier than wives who hold more feminist attitudes.)

Many people talk about the top needs of wives, etc. but this study revealed what really makes women happy in marriage, not their spoken needs or felt needs.

Investing in the marriage pays huge dividends for women. Consequently, husbands also reap the rewards.

Our upcoming class, Living Well in Marriage, will give an emotional connection(#1) and show a commitment to the marriage(#4). During the course of the class, couples get a chance to discuss their roles(#7) and how that works out in the family(#2).

For more information on the class.

A Benefit Package

2010-08-25T12:42:00.000-05:00

There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage. Martin Luther

What’s your attitude - are you looking for a payback or a payoff?

In our relationships, especially in marriage, when we are hurt or offended, we often want to pay back the person who hurt us. We may not think of it in those brutal terms. We may think that we have to show them that they can’t treat us that way or we will remind them of the bad habits they have.

How could we get a “payoff” instead of adding more hurt?

The word “payoff” implies that an investment has been made. What kind of investments can we make in marriage that generate dividends?

1. Time together. Nothing can take the place of time together in a marriage relationship. We can spend time doing something fun or doing a chore together.

2. Focused attention. When together, the time multiplies in effectiveness if you focus on each other - talking and listening to the heart of the other person, even if you aren’t interested in the subject. Your spouse receives that kind of attention as a gift of high value.

3. Learning about marriage together - whether it is attending a class or doing a study together. This time investment speaks volumes to your spouse about the value you put on your relationship.

4. Learn a new communication skill. One person often thinks that he knows how to communicate with others but that they can’t communicate as a couple. Part of the responsibility of the one speaking is to speak in a way that others can understand him. We have to learn our spouse’s language to be able to communicate clearly and we have to learn how to listen with discernment.

5. Pray for your spouse. Pray for his/her true needs, not “God, change my husband/wife."

The payoff is a marriage that keeps getting better and better!

Rarely does one person or a couple have all the skills they need for a thriving marriage. Resources are available, see our classes that are available or a list of books or articles to read. Make an investment that will give dividends for a lifetime!

Why not a payback?

Never does the human soul appear so strong as when it foregoes revenge and dares to forgive an injury. Edwin Hubbel Chapin

When someone talks about paying a person back for something the person has done, he really means that he is seeking revenge.

Most of us would not want to admit to seeking revenge. But when we retaliate or try to punish someone for what they have done, we are taking revenge. Revenge is a strong and powerful action.

Equally as strong and powerful as revenge is the opposite - forgiveness. God says that He is the only one who is to take revenge, but that we are all to demonstrate forgiveness.

Revenge may make you feel better for a short time, but forgiveness will make you feel better for a lifetime. Unforgiveness is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die. The person who witholds forgiveness is the one who is being eaten up inside. Often the other person doesn't even know that he has done anything to cause hurt.

Forgiveness may seem impossible, especially when there has been great hurt. The only way we have a capacity to forgive is because He has forgiven us.

Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:13b

The Promise in Marriage

2010-06-05T12:57:00.000-05:00

Marriage is not mainly about being or staying in love. It’s mainly about telling the truth with our lives. It’s about portraying something true about Jesus Christ and the way He relates to his people. It is about showing in real life the glory of the gospel. Jesus died for sinners. He forged a covenant in the white-hot heat of his suffering in our place. He made an imperfect bride his own with the price of his blood and covered her with the garments of his own righteousness. He said, “I am with you....to the end of the age....I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Matt. 28:20; Heb. 13:5). John Piper

What did you promise your mate when you got married? What was your vow to him/her? Did you say “until death?” How seriously do people take that promise they made at their wedding? They made a vow to each other, but God says that all vows are vows unto Him as well.

In Malachi 2:14, marriage is called a covenant, “the wife of your marriage covenant.” Even though, the word covenant is not used in reference to the marriage of Adam and Eve, their marriage truly represents a marriage covenant, a covenant between them and with God.

Genesis 2:21-22 says, So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, He took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib He had taken out of the man, and He brought her to the man.

This passage is very similar to the scene with Abraham, God caused Abraham to go into a deep sleep when God established the covenant with him.

As described on the other side, a covenant includes the cutting of flesh and the shedding of blood. God cut the side of Adam to bring out the one created to be like him, Eve. He closed Adam back. Eve was birthed from the side of Adam. God established the covenant with them; they made a covenant with each other and with God.

God joined man and woman together in “oneness,” in the same way that we are one with Him. He put two people together, a man and a woman, to become one. He joined Christ to the church to dwell together as one body. Our marriages are covenant relationships, just as God has a covenant relationship with us through Jesus Christ.

"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This is a profound mystery — but I am talking about Christ and the church. (Ephesians 5:31-32)

God established marriage as the first covenant in the Bible. God pictured His love and faithfulness to His people through marriage.

God, Me, and Thee

For the past few years I have had a growing concern that the Christian community has passively watched the "dumbing down" of the marriage covenant. Marriage has become little more than an upgraded social contract between two people — not a holy covenant between a man and a woman and their God for a lifetime. Dennis Rainey

The covenant of marriage is the single most important human bond that holds all of God’s work on the planet together. It is no small wonder that the Lord is passionate about the sanctity of marriage and the stability of the home. This covenant of marriage is based on the covenant God has made with us. It is in the power of His promise to her mankind that our personal covenant of marriage can be kept against the forces that would destroy homes and ruin lives." Jack Hayford

By covenant standards, the vows are not consummated or made valid until the groom literally gives all of himself and the bride all of herself in the act of sexual union. As the two bodies become one flesh physically, the two persons become one spiritually, bonding them forever in covenant relationship. Christopher McCluskey

Promises, Promises

2010-06-02T12:41:00.000-05:00

Promised by God

"God's promises are like the stars; the darker the night the brighter they shine.” David Nicholas

Promises are made .... promises are broken. How can you rely on the promise of a person? Will he/she really keep it? Should we sign a contract making sure that they keep it legally?

God gave us a rainbow as a sign of a promise He made to man and to the earth - that He would not flood it with water again.

The Bible calls this promise a “covenant.” But this covenant was not about a promise of a relationship. God “cut a covenant” with Abraham, a covenant with the promise of relationship. God promised Abraham that He would be their (Abraham’s descendents) God, they would be His people, and He would dwell among them.

Requirements came with “cutting a covenant.” The people of that time understood the term. The requirements included cutting open an animal, blood was shed. The two parties that made the covenant would pass between the parts of the animal that were cut in half and laid open on the ground. The idea was that if you broke your promise, the same thing would happen to you - being cut in half!

In God’s covenant with Abraham, the man had to cut the animals and lay them on the ground, but then God put him in a deep sleep. God alone walked through the animals. God alone was liable to fulfill the covenant, not Abraham. God promised to be faithful to Abraham’s descendents, regardless of their unfaithfulness. Later, God made another covenant based on His remembrance of the Abrahamic covenant, a covenant with Moses, the Old Covenant.

For us today, however, we have a new covenant - Jesus Christ. For this reason Christ is the mediator of a new covenant, that those who are called may receive the promised eternal inheritance—now that He has died as a ransom to set them free from the sins committed under the first covenant. (Hebrews 9:15)

This covenant also had a blood sacrifice; this sacrifice was made totally by Christ. God said “it is enough.” He keeps His promises of the inheritance to us - our part is to receive.

God will not, cannot break His promise to us. No matter how dark our situation, how deep our sin, the light of the promise will always shine.

What does that mean to me?

God didn't promise
days without pain,
laughter without sorrow,
sun without rain,
but He did promise
strength for the day,
comfort for the tears, and
Light for the way.
Anonymous

God’s covenant means that:

My God keeps His Word. He has made an unbreakable commitment to me. I can trust Him.
My God is faithful, even if I am unfaithful.
My God loves me unconditionally, no matter what my sin.
When I entered into the covenant, I became new, I have a new identity in Christ.
I have His strength and power in me, His grace is sufficient.
He is my defender and my vindicator.
He gives me His Spirit to live out His life in me.
He frees me from the bondage of sin, giving me the ability to face temptation and win.
He is my provider and protector, no need for fear.
He will give me the promised inheritance of a life with Him and His riches for all of eternity and it starts now!

Listen in Love .... Good patterns

2010-04-06T09:00:00.010-05:00

When a woman is talking to you, listen to what she says with her eyes.
Victor Hugo

We must be silent before we can listen.
We must listen before we can learn.
We must learn before we can prepare.
We must prepare before we can serve.
We must serve before we can lead.

William Arthur Ward

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen. Winston Churchill

One of the single most important skills a person can have in marriage or in life is to be a good listener. To listen well demonstrates that you value the other person.

Often when another person is talking, I am formulating my response or my critique of what he or she is saying. I have quit listening at that point. I am more interested in what I have to say than what the other person is saying. I want to be understood rather than trying to understand the other person.

Or it could be that I quit listening because I am not interested in what the other person is saying. I only want to listen to topics about which I am involved or interested. In that case, I devalue the other person by communicating that I don’t care about his/her interests. In marriage or parenting or even in friendship, someone who truly loves the other person cares about the other one’s interests because of the love for the person.

The skills that typify a good listener are not difficult to master. The most important (usually the hardest) attribute of a listener lies in the heart. A good listener wants the other person to feel valued, to feel heard, and to feel understood. He listens to the heart of the other person.

Some valuable skills for listening include:

First: One of the most important skills is focused attention. A good listener looks at the person talking, gives cues that he is listening, and is not distracted by his Blackberry, Iphone, TV, newspaper, or computer.

Second: A serious listener will ask for clarification about what the speaker says, making sure that he understands the words and meaning, not assuming that she knows the motives.

Third: A committed listener will continue to listen regardless of his interest in the subject. I listen and care about the subject out of my love for this person. If it is important to her, it is important to me. A woman feels very emotionally connected to a man who will listen to her and take an interest in what she says.

Fourth: A respectful listener will not interrupt while the other person is talking and will give appropriate feedback, indicating that she understands what is said.

The One Who Hears
The Psalms were written by several people who were expressing their hearts to God. As we study the message there, we can see a God who hears us, who listens to us, and cares about what we say.

Sometimes we feel that no one is listening and that no one cares. We watch for clues from our listeners, signs that they care about us. When we know that God is listening and cares; we can express our hearts to Him and take the pressure off those around us. We receive comfort as He listens. We gain wisdom as we listen.

The LORD will hear when I call to him. Psalm 4:3

You hear, O LORD, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry. Psalm 10:17

O you who hear prayer, to you all men will come. Psalm 65:2

Listen in Love .... Causes of bad patterns

2010-03-30T17:11:00.000-05:00

The first duty of love is to listen. Paul Tillich

In school we have speech classes, why not listening classes? How much of true communication is listening?
Most teaching on communication is about speaking correctly. In relationships, listening is often neglected. Many times a wife says to her husband (or vice versa) “You aren’t listening to me.” If we really want to communicate well with people around us, listening well is essential.

After many years of marriage, we finally learned to communicate but now we can’t hear each other! For some of us, making sure that we hear correctly is essential.

More damage can be done through the way we receive the words than what was actually said.

What factors go into the way we hear the words that are said?

First: Our understanding of what the words mean. Our interpretation might be as simple as not knowing the correct definition of the word. However, more often, the misunderstanding comes from the way the word is used. In one culture or family, a person may say “okay” and mean “I agree.” Someone else may say “okay” and mean “I heard you.”

Second: We often interpret what we hear based on the tone of voice of the other person. The way I interpret the tone of voice is often based on what it would mean if I said the same thing in that tone of voice, rather than what it means if the other person uses that tone of voice. One person may be more emotionally expressive. He may raise his voice in a situation that his wife would say the words more quietly. Her interpretation of the outburst of emotion is more extreme than he actually intends for it to be.

Third: Another misinterpretation comes from the body language of the person speaking. If the person looks away, I may assume that he is disgusted with me. The reality may be that he feels guilty and can’t look at me in the eye.

Fourth: All of the previous factors are often tied to the this one. We may misunderstand what is said based on our beliefs about our own self worth.

Listen to the Word
God's Word gives us lots of direction in how to listen well. Listen to what He says:

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. James 1:19-20

He who gives an answer before he hears, it is folly and shame to him. Proverbs 18:13

A fool does not delight in understanding, but only in revealing his own mind. Proverbs 18:2

Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance. Proverbs 1:5

The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice. Proverbs 12:15

Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise. Proverbs 19:20

He who listens to a life-giving rebuke will be at home among the wise. Proverbs 15: 31

While he was still speaking, a bright cloud enveloped them, and a voice from the cloud said, "This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased. Listen to him!" Matthew 17:5

My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. John 10:27

Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. James 1:22

Stay tuned for the next post for good patterns of listening and communicating.

Tips for a Healthy Heart

2010-02-10T16:00:00.000-06:00

SOME PRACTICAL TIPS to help ensure that your heart does not get captured by someone outside of marriage:

1. Invest in your marriage. Have fun with your spouse! Marriage is work, but it should be fun too. Sometimes we quit having fun together. Date your spouse weekly; take an annual time away without kids.

2. Watch for red flags. Are you spending time talking to someone of the opposite sex (other than your mate) about you inner thoughts and feelings?

3. Don’t hide relationships or friendships with the opposite sex from your spouse. Make your email, text and voice messages, facebook account, and other online relationships open to your spouse. Give him/her your password, or set it up for your emails, etc. to come to him/her also.

4. Don’t have private chat sessions (online or on the phone) with members of the opposite sex.

5. Use a filter on your computer that will send addresses of sites you visit to your spouse.

ABOVE ALL ELSE ....

2010-02-09T12:11:00.000-06:00

During this Valentine season,
we will all no doubt see lots of hearts on cards, advertisements, and many other places. After all, it seems the heart is the universal symbol for that holiday. The heart symbol represents love – our love for another person. This is certainly the case for husbands and wives as we express our love to one another.

But, have you thought that “guarding your heart” might just be one of the best ways to show your love to your spouse?

Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Those words were deathbed words spoken by Solomon to his son. The wisest man to have ever lived was telling his son, and us, that more than anything else in life – “guard your heart.” He is talking about moral purity.

Our hearts are our very core. The heart is everything. It’s the source of all life. It’s the gateway to our emotions and our relationships. A wellspring is the head or source of a stream or river. It’s the source.

So, Solomon is saying that we must guard our hearts, the deep inner source of who we are, from deadly contamination. If we do not, the toxins we’ve allowed to seep into our hearts will taint everything that flows out of our lives. They will affect everything we touch: our marriage, our children, our jobs, our friends, everything!

Our gracious heavenly Father has given us “guardrails” in His Word for us to incorporate into our lives so that we can protect our hearts. Some of the most important Biblical guardrails protect us from sexual misconduct, something we all desperately need living in our morally decaying society.

One of those guard rails is our thought life. “Guarding our heart” begins with our thoughts. The apostle Paul provides us great words of instruction and encouragement regarding our thought life in Philippians 4:7-8….”And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus …whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.”

This Valentine’s day, and every day, make sure you have a guarded heart!

Strategies for a Successful Marriage

2010-01-22T16:04:00.000-06:00

Seek God to meet all the needs of your life through a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and the indwelling Holy Spirit. Love God with all your heart, soul, and mind. Enjoy God and allow Him to satisfy your life. He can become your source of joy and peace and hope.
Seek to meet the needs of your spouse through giving out of what you have received from God without expecting anything in return.
Be a student of your mate. Learn how to communicate love, acceptance and respect in a way that your spouse can receive them.
Make your spouse your priority relationship, before parents, children, friends, or work. Take time together for dates and time away. Laugh and have fun together!
Listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen to the heart of your mate.
Forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive. Never say the word “divorce.”
When angry, go to God with the problem first. If the issue cannot be resolved, find an objective third party who will give Godly counsel. Do not call family members to complain about your spouse. Expect problems, don’t be surprised by them. It means you are part of the human race.
Remember that there is more than one right way to do things.
Always seek what is best for your spouse. Put off selfishness. This attitude is the essence of unconditional love. Do everything in love.
Agree on a budget and put it into practice. God owns it all. Ask Him how to allocate 100% of your money, not just what you give Him.
Spend less than you earn. Stay out of debt.

Facebook and Marriage

2010-01-13T13:16:00.003-06:00

I am on facebook - I don't hate facebook, I actually like it. When I had major, emergency surgery about two months ago, my daughter and husband got on my facebook page and started notifying my friends and family. They kept updating my progress. Within minutes, tons of people were praying.

Part of my job is meeting with couples who are in marriage distress. Is facebook a problem in marriages?

Sometimes it is a big problem. So far, every communication device that man has invented can/has been used to build relationships with the opposite sex outside of the marriage. Just as we need parameters in other areas of life to preserve and protect our marriages, facebook is no different.

A friend of ours in the marriage movement, Jason Krasky, has written Our Top Dozen Do’s & Don’ts for Facebooking Couples on his blog, The Marriage Junkie. He and his wife have a book on the subject that will be coming out in February. Jason has given me permission to re-print his top dozen.

What Every Facebooking Couple Should DO to Protect Their Marriage!

Create boundaries to protect yourself, your spouse and your marriage. Spend some time talking about what’s in bounds and out of bounds and as a couple, agree on what boundaries you’ll set as a couple. A little bit of agreement on what is and is not acceptable can save a lot of pain and disagreement later.

Set your relationship status to Married and keep it that way. Facebook’s version of the wedding band, your Relationship Status makes all the difference in how people interact with you. If you do happen to go through some marital troubles, don’t change to “it’s complicated” because you’ll only make things even more complicated…in a bad way.

Update each other on your FB Friends and Friend Requests. Friends range from past childhood pals and classmates to current connections from work, church and elsewhere. Many of your FB Friends have a story attached to them. Don’t assume your spouse knows how you know them; spend time sharing their story with your mate.

Share your username and password with one another. Transparency is crucial to ensure trust in a committed relationship. Exchanging login information provides accountability and emotional security for both of you.

Make your spouse the topic of your Status Updates at least once a week. Using Facebook to affirm and build up your spouse creates a deeper bond between the two of you, and a higher fence around the two of you. (Just be careful not to overdo and become an annoying couple.)

Be prepared to talk offline about online issues. What happens on Facebook doesn’t stay on Facebook. Facebook can and will trigger issues and conversations between you and your spouse: a poorly worded joke, an awkward comment by a FB Friend, or an unexpected chat session. Deal with hurt feelings or concerns in the privacy of your own home. If handling conflict is difficult for you and your spouse, attend a Marriage Education class to acquire a shared set of communication/conflict resolution skills.

What Every Facebooking Couple Should NOT DO to Protect Their Marriage!

(DON’T) Write cutting remarks or negative statements about your spouse. Even though Facebook asks, “What’s on your mind,” it doesn’t mean everyone really wants to know the answer to that question. If in doubt, think about how your comments will be read by others (think about your mother-in-law, your boss, your pastor) before pushing the Share/Comment button.

(DON’T) Friend exes, old flames, past flings, former crushes or anyone you’ve been intimate with in the past. What starts as an innocent, “I wonder whatever happened to so-and-so” can lead to “I never meant for this to happen.” Friending exes’ invites an unnecessary threat into your married life that can cause any or all of the following: anxiety and insecurity for your spouse, friction and isolation in your marriage, and unrealistic and senseless ideas in your head. If staying FB Friends is a bad idea for a broken up (dating) couple, then it’s a really, really bad idea for married couples.

(DON’T) Lose track of how much time you spend on Facebook. Everyone needs a little down time to unwind each day. Facebook can be a great way to wind down (e.g. connect with FB Friends, play games, find Groups and Fan Pages, etc). On average, users spend 12-15 minutes a day on Facebook. That seems like a healthy dose of daily Facebook intake. If time on the online social community infringes on your real-time marriage relationship, make changes to reprioritize your time. Set a timer for 15 minutes and then log off Facebook and turn off the computer.

(DON’T) Report that you or your spouse is out of town. This is more security than anything else. Say your husband is on a business trip and you post an update that he is out of town. What you think is a harmless Status Update is an announcement to the bad guys that your home, possessions and family are vulnerable and a prime target for bad things to happen. Do you really know all of your FB Friends? How about their Friends? A FB Friend’s comment to your Status Update can unknowingly broadcast your “my husband is gone” news to a bunch of people you really don’t know.

(DON’T) Have private Chat sessions with people of the opposite sex. Chats are a private, real time message exchange between two people. Once a person logs off, Chat sessions are erased forever. Emotional affairs have three main ingredients: secrecy, chemistry and intimacy. Chatting provides a perfect environment for the three ingredients to mix together and create a situation that supposedly “just happened”. Avoid the drama and turn off the Chat feature altogether.

(DON’T) Let Facebook be a distraction during your time with your mate. Not only can writing a Status Update steal time from your couple time, but reading someone’s bad news can steal your mind from your special time together. Make date nights, special moments, and times of intimacy Facebook-free. No laptops, no computers, no smart phones when it is time for you and your spouse.

The Wedding or The Marriage

2010-01-07T11:37:00.000-06:00

Marriage skeptics abound all around, but most Americans still desire marriage. How many are as enthralled with the marriage as with the wedding? Elizabeth Gilbert researched and wrote "Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace With Marriage."

In an interview, she presents a very interesting perspective on weddings. ”I myself have never been enchanted by the dream of the white wedding, and, heaven help us, the expectation that this exquisitely catered event should be ‘the happiest moment’ of one's life. But I did ask a number of my heartsick single female friends about this very question, and one of them gave me a truthful and illuminating answer: The fantasy of the wedding day is that it represents undeniable public and private truth that you have been chosen. For that one day, you are the most valuable creature in the world—a treasure, a princess, a prize. For many women, who have never felt chosen, desirable, or precious, this is an unshakable yearning. And I'm afraid many women do choose the wedding over the marriage. It seems a steep price to pay, but it comes from a place of deep, sad longing to be loved and to have it proven that you are of value. “

Weddings were a celebration of the beginning of a new life together, but also a time of commitment from the couple and a time of affirmation and support from those attending. However, with so many couples getting married after already living together for several months, or even years, why have a large, expensive, formal wedding? While living together, women do not get that sense of being treasured or chosen. They have eased into the relationship, gradually, not committed to a long-term, exclusive relationship.

Then, we have women who spend a lot of time and money preparing for that “princess for the day” experience. They often go into debt or send their parents into debt to put together a production to rival stardom. They wrestle over every detail of what the invitations look like and what food will be served but have not taken the time to learn the basics of communication with a husband.

Both types of women are proving to the world that they are loved on the day of that large wedding. Yet, soon after the wedding, they have lost total confidence that their husbands love them. They don’t know how to interpret the quietness or distraction of a husband who comes home after a stressful day of work.

As it has in so many ways, American culture has lost its way on where to place value. . . this time it is the importance of the wedding vs. the marriage. What would happen if American couples started investing more in the marriage than in the wedding?

Elizabeth Gilbert is also the best-selling author of "Eat, Pray, Love."

LIVING WELL offers Preparing for Marriage classes twice a year. The next class starts January 18, 2010. For more information, see http://www.livingwellokc.org/ .

Tiger Tale - Part 2

2009-12-28T19:32:00.000-06:00

As depicted in my last post, "Tiger Tale," Earl Woods missed a great opportunity to teach his son what it means to be a man and a husband. An article in the New York Times on Saturday shows Earl to be more than negligent, he actually taught him to de-value marriage. According to the author, one year at the Masters, Earl Woods said “I’ve told Tiger that marriage is unnecessary in a mobile society like ours.”

Even though Tiger talks with great fondness about his children, his view of marriage must have terribly tainted by his father.

I wonder how often we de-value our marriages to our children? Maybe a derogatory remark about a spouse or ignoring our marriages or pouring our energies into our children while disregarding the feeling of our spouse .... all of these actions and more show that we do not value marriage in general and our own marriage in particular. What are we teaching our children by what we say and do?

Tiger Tale

2009-12-26T13:28:00.000-06:00

Our daughter was at work on Thanksgiving day; she was working the golf shop at a country club. They keep a TV on with sports playing all day long. That morning she texted us that "tiger hurt in wreck." Being LSU alumni, our first thought was that LSU's mascot Mike the Tiger had been hurt. Nooooo .... we all now know which Tiger was wrecked.

I have been trying to avoid writing about Tiger wrecking his life and the life of his wife and children. But the time has come. I just read an article by Mike Wise in the Washington Post. It is definintley worth the time to read it.

He had the courage to admit publicly, in print, that he once had the same problem with women that Tiger has. He describes the problem, "this is really about a man who has everything and nothing at the same time, a guy medicating with women to fill emotional gaps -- the way some people use food, alcohol, drugs, work and golf on television."

As we have taught and counseled on marriage for over 20 years, in several countries, we know that this kind of sexual compulsion is common and accepted in much of the world. Does that make it right or good or benign?

Tiger Woods is well-know in the golf world for his extreme ability to focus and concentrate. His dad/coach would purposefully make distracting noises and motions while Tiger practiced to teach him to focus. Tiger is the most recognized and disciplined athlete of our day. His father spent countless hours developing a talent in a very young boy.

Earl Woods spent a lot of time teaching his son to be a professional golfer but what did he teach him about being a man? Earl was unfaithful to his own wife when Tiger was a teenager, which supposedly "devastated" Tiger. The father wasted a wonderful opportunity to teach his son how to be a real man, husband, and father. He taught him physical discipline and focus, but nothing about emotional or spiritual discipline and focus.

With what is Tiger left? Lots of money. No respect as a man. Rumors of his wife and children leaving him.

He will always be able to find women who will fall for him, for his celebrity, for his wealth and fame, but none will ever be able to trust him. None will see him as a suitable, lifetime partner or father to their children.

Proverbs 5 was written thousands of years ago but could have been written today for all the Tiger Woods out there today:
3 For the lips of an immoral woman are as sweet as honey,
and her mouth is smoother than oil.
4 But in the end she is as bitter as poison,
as dangerous as a double-edged sword.
7 So now, my sons, listen to me.
Never stray from what I am about to say:
8 Stay away from her!
Don’t go near the door of her house!
9 If you do, you will lose your honor
and will lose to merciless people all you have achieved.
10 Strangers will consume your wealth,
and someone else will enjoy the fruit of your labor.
11 In the end you will groan in anguish
when disease consumes your body.
12 You will say, “How I hated discipline!
If only I had not ignored all the warnings!
14 I have come to the brink of utter ruin,
and now I must face public disgrace.”

Is Tiger sick? Yes. As Mike Wise ended his article (again speaking from his own experience) "I can only hope that he realizes he's sick and takes steps to get better."

But even an emotional sickness starts in the heart.

When my husband teaches other men about being faithful, he knows that every man is susceptible to the lure of lust. His message comes from Proverbs 4:23, Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

Tiger knows a lot about guarding his mind while playing golf but nothing about guarding his heart while living life.

Memorable Christmas

2009-12-16T13:08:00.001-06:00

As I think back over my lifetime, I have had some great Christmas's with my family as I was growing up, a magical Christmas in the Swiss Alps while in college. But as I think of Christmas since I have been married, what is the most memorable? We have had some wonderful, idyllic times. However, 29 years ago, I approached the holidays while being pregnant with my first child, he was born 10 days before Christmas. When you have a baby this time of year, a woman has an incredible identification with Mary, the mother of Jesus - the hopes and fears for your baby child.

That year, we had been having a hard time financially. We were living in the mountains of Colorado - an absolutely magnificent place. We had a construction business but the recession of the early '80's had hit Colorado. Business was drying up and we were anticipating a move back to the homeland in the heartland.

Because of the impending birth and lack of resources, we decided to make something for our family members for Christmas. Ed went out and cut up one of our fallen aspen trees. He bored out the middle and made it into a candle. Suddenly Christmas had real meaning!

We were attending a very small church with a few families with big hearts. Just before Christmas, a couple came over to see us. They said that they knew that we probably were not giving each other gifts that year, so they wanted to fill the gap for us. It was a very touching moment. We weren't used to being on the receiving end.

In the years to come, we had so many great memories with our kids at Christmas, but that one is tucked away into a holy place in my heart.

In Sickness and in Health

2009-12-03T21:32:00.001-06:00

How often are we really tested on that vow?

We have been married for 36 years. We have each had a few illnesses but nothing life-threatening, nothing really serious.

Until two weeks ago. I had a sudden abdominal pain; the pain was so severe that I couldn't even straighten up. Ed and Jacque rushed me to the emergency room. They did emergency abdominal surgery at midnight.

During the next week, my husband only left my side when he knew our daughter or a friend was there to take care of me. He slept there, he skipped meals, he got up with me all night.

After a week, we came home ... he continued the routine. I have been recuperating at home for 10 days now. He brings me breakfast, my coffee, and the newspaper in bed. I could get used to this. He cooks for all of our meals, even asks for special requests. He shops, cleans, and does the laundery.

He does all of the giving. I do all of the receiving. What does he got out of the deal? Nothing, except the joy he gets from seeing me comforted.

What does he have to look forward to? At least two more weeks of serving selflessly, maybe longer. A few more weeks of continued giving without receiving anything but appreciation.

There will be an end to my convalescence, I hope. But what if there wasn't, what if I remained an invalid for the rest of our married life? Would he quit serving selflessly? I don't think so, it's not consistent his character.

Why does he serve selflessly? He loves me, yes. But he also gave his word ..... in sickness and in health. He keeps his word - to me and to God.

How much is our commitment tested in health? How much is our faithfulness tested in health?

For some men, the health of their wife is irrelevant to their own desire to get their needs met. They are unfaithful. Or they turn to work, to drinking, to separate leisure activities. Not to their Lord or to their wife. Their vow becomes trivial.

In sickness and in health. Unconditional, unending, unlimited. Just like God's love for us.

Investments in Your Marriage

2009-11-02T21:38:00.000-06:00

What investments can you make now in your marriage to receive a long-term pay-off?

1. TIME The first one and maybe the most important one is the time we invest in our marriage. What does that look like?

We highly advocate a daily, weekly, and yearly time investment. Daily: at least 15 minutes each day for eye-to-eye, undivided attention to each other, sharing about your day or something on your heart. For people with small children or for those who have different work/school schedules, even 15 minutes may be a real challenge. But it is vital to the health of the marriage and to the emotional health of each spouse.

Weekly: a “date” night, at least three hours of only the two of you doing something fun together - no friends or family, no heavy discussions, no talk about finances or other problems - the kind of dating you did before you got married.

Yearly: time away from home for at least 3 days without children or friends or other family members. This time doesn’t have to be expensive, but it is a time to be together without interruptions, no work, not being constantly accessible to others.

2. GRATITUDE The importance of communicating gratitude and appreciation to your spouse cannot be emphasized too much.

Showing appreciation to our spouse for who he is in his character is part of gratitude. And thanking your spouse for what she has done for you specifically throughout the day communicates to her that you notice what she does, what she does is important, and that are glad that she does it.

3. EMOTIONS We are all connected emotionally to our marriage whether we recognize it or not. But does everyone invest emotionally into the marriage? What does it mean to invest emotionally?

Emotional investment means that I am willing to be vulnerable emotionally; I am willing to risk hurt. I will take risks in expressing my emotions to my spouse. I will take the time to listen to the heart of the emotions of my spouse, even if it means that it is painful to me.

Emotional investment also means that I try to understand how my words and actions affect my spouse emotionally. Also, I am sensitive to how he/she is feeling.

4. MONEY Many of the previous points contain parts that can cost money (e.g. - a long weekend away). Are you willing to make your marriage a priority financially?

THE RETURN

What are the potential risks and what is the possible return if I invest in my marriage?

The risks are greater for not investing in your marriage than they are for investing. To ignore the principle of making investments in your marriage can lead to drifting apart, vulnerability to the attention of others, escapes into alcohol, spending too much money, a hard heart, and even divorce.

Most people want to know “what’s in it for me?”

Many people invest in their marriage for the purpose of getting their spouse to change. But the investment can have a personal pay-off whether the other person changes or not. Jesus said that it is better to give than to receive. The practice of giving brings personal joy, regardless of the response from the other person.

Rare is the person who does not draw closer to a spouse who invests time, gratitude, emotions, and money into the marriage. The pay-off is a long-term marriage, full of love, satisfaction, and joy.

The Price of Premarital Counseling

2009-10-14T16:30:00.001-05:00

Recently, an associate pastor who does premarital counseling asked, on his blog, what the value of premarital counseling is.

He and his wife meet with couples 8-10 times for 60-90 minutes each time. They use an assessment and workbook as they counsel. He has always done the premarital counseling at no charge, as part of his ministry. He was wondering what the value would be if he charged.

One reader of his blog made this reply:
Priceless, priceless, priceless. I think that it is a great investment. I understand that for couples starting out any cost can be prohibitive, but there are some creative ways to work it out. I liked the way that our church promoted it and supported it. They told us it was part of their prep program (which we read as requirements) and told us the cost. Then quickly added that they would provide matching funds for the cost. That helped us invest in the process because we had some literal investment and because our church family had invested in us. We have often referred to our marriage prepwork in the last 6 years. The only time I have “referred” to the white dress that cost more than the marriage prep, is when I need room in my closet…although, it is a pretty dress!:)

What do you think? For those who had premarital counseling and/or class, what was the value of it to you?

Obama and Defense of Marriage Act by Donna Edwards

2009-10-11T23:37:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, President Barack Obama made a commitment at the The Human Rights Campaign's Dinner. He committed to repeal "the so-called Defense of Marriage Act." In a transcript of his message, he said:
"Will we uphold the ideals on which this nation was founded: that all of us are equal, that all of us deserve the same opportunity to live our lives freely and pursue our chance at happiness? I believe we can; I believe we will. And that is why -- that's why I support ensuring that committed gay couples have the same rights and responsibilities afforded to any married couple in this country. I believe strongly in stopping laws designed to take rights away and passing laws that extend equal rights to gay couples. I've required all agencies in the federal government to extend as many federal benefits as possible to LGBT families as the current law allows. And I've called on Congress to repeal the so-called Defense of Marriage Act and to pass the Domestic Partners Benefits and Obligations Act."

President Obama seems to be intent on redefining marriage and it's importance in the U.S. I find this value to be especially disconcerting and contradictory from a man who loves and cares for his wife and their marriage. No matter what a person's politics are, it is easy to see Obama's dedication to his family.

If you aren't sure what the Defense of Marriage Act is, read all of it here. The meat of it is:

`No State, territory, or possession of the United States, or Indian tribe, shall be required to give effect to any public act, record, or judicial proceeding of any other State, territory, possession, or tribe respecting a relationship between persons of the same sex that is treated as a marriage under the laws of such other State, territory, possession, or tribe, or a right or claim arising from such relationship.'.

Definition of `marriage' and `spouse'

`In determining the meaning of any Act of Congress, or of any ruling, regulation, or interpretation of the various administrative bureaus and agencies of the United States, the word `marriage' means only a legal union between one man and one woman as husband and wife, and the word `spouse' refers only to a person of the opposite sex who is a husband or a wife.'.

Does repealing the DOMA affect me if I am not gay? I believe that values portrayed by our government usually become our cultural norm. In the years to come, most people of our country will believe that same-sex marriage is a right guaranteed by the constitution, even though it is not. When marriage opens up to any lifestyle, then it devalues it for all. When laws signed in the "60's allowed "no fault" divorce, it devalued marriage. We still deal with the fall-out of those state decrees.

As the same-sex marriage supporters push the legality of "one man, one woman" marriage, the issue will end up in the U.S. Supreme Court. In the next few years, we will see same-sex marriage legalized through the judiciary, not through legislation.

When that day comes, how will the church respond?
How will we define marriage?
Will we recognize same-sex couples who are legally married?
Will we let the government determine what constitutes a legal marriage?

Issues such as same-sex marriage are relavant to all of us. The Church must look at how we are going to value marriage. Are we going to follow the culture or are we going to change the culture?

How do you measure marriage in America?

2009-10-09T22:17:00.001-05:00

How do we know the state of marriages in America today?

How do we measure it?

Do we ask people how happy they are?
Do we look at how many divorces there are?
Or how many are getting married?
Or how many kids are living with parents or how many births have married parents?

The Institute for American Values has colloborated with bi-partisan groups to come up with a marriage index which will give us an objective, realistic look at the state of marriage in America.

The Glue that Bonds a Marriage

2009-10-07T21:53:00.000-05:00

We usually see adversity in our life as a bad thing. None of us like adversity .... in fact we would probably think people are odd if they do like it.

Adversity in life can bring a husband and wife closer together. If the adversity is conflict between a husband and wife, how well they are able to work through and talk about the conflict determines their level of marital satisfaction, not the conflict issue itself.

If the adversity is a circumstance in their lives (job loss, illness, etc.), it can draw them closer together or make them feel isolated. The adversity can draw them closer if they face it together, talk about it, not blame. When they are able to work together as a team, the oneness develops. If they aren't able to work together, then the circumstance drives a wedge between them.

The day-to-day difficulties that a couple faces produce opportunities for a couple to apply some glue to their relationship. The glue takes some time to set up, but it will. And the couple will bond, the oneness grows stronger. This process doesn't happen overnight, it takes years.

"We have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:1-5

Jon & Kate - What happened?

2009-10-05T21:39:00.001-05:00

If you have had a TV on at all in the last week, you have probably seen Jon and/or Kate Gosselin. They have had one of the most public divorces and quarrels of any public couple in a long time.

What began with a fascination over this delightful set of kids has deterioriated to voyeurism by the American public. What happened to the marriage in the wake of chronicling two sets of multiples????

I remember the first time I saw Jon & Kate Plus Eight. My daughter was watching it every week and drew me in. The story of a Christian couple who worked hard to bear children and refused to abort when faced with the reality of raising 8 kids - what an inspiring story.

The Gosselins seemed to have pitched the idea of making a documentary/reality show of their brood in order to have a means of supporting that many kids. Both parents were intelligent adults with professional careers. Kate quit nursing in order to stay home with the kids. After a couple of years on TV, Jon quit his job to help at home too. Both admirable moves.

Part of my first viewing of the series was significant discomfort as I saw the way Kate talked to Jon. As one who has worked in the marriage field for over 20 years, the dialogue was an example of what not to say to your spouse, especially in front of other people, especially to a man. Kate showed her perfectionism in many ways on the show. She didn't understand the concept of "there is more than one right way to do something."

I can't imagine what it would be like to have six kids at one time or to raise sextuplets and twins, at the same time. The kids alone were enough to put an extreme stress on Jon & Kate's marriage. I am sure that most of us wouldn't have done as well as Jon & Kate in raising the kids. I don't say any of this from a self-righteous viewpoint, because I am sure I would have been more on edge and more critical than Kate.

Jon chose women and things over his relationship to his wife and over what is best for his kids. The sudden wealth and notoriety steared him off course. What has happened to their faith?

For all of us who can learn from their mistakes - has it been worth it financially to lose the marriage? Would the marriage have fallen apart without the TV show? Maybe, but being in the lens eye has hastened the dissolution.

Most marriages do not survive in the long term without respect and gratitude. They can, but they usually don't. The couple communicated little or no appreciation or respect between them. That lack of nurturing between the husband and wife stiffles growth and oneness.

For most marriages, the essential element of time spent alone, with each other, brings a bond that no one can stand against. This oneness comes from talking through the hard times and having fun together in the good times.

Most of all, marriage takes a commitment to each other, no matter what. A person can keep that kind of commitment to a person if he has that same commitment to the Lord. With His presence in a person's life, he can live that commitment with kindness, compassion, and forgiveness - essentials to commitment.

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32

Laughing Bride Tells All

2009-10-04T18:21:00.000-05:00

About a month ago, a YouTube video went viral after showing up on the MSN homepage. The groom mispronounced some of his vows and his bride started laughing and couldn't stop - one of those moments many fear but few experience.

The great part is that they interviewed with Stronger Families (a marriage initiative in the Pacific Northwest). Andrew and Melissa Engstrom shared the way the dated and the joy that came with their wedding day (and night).

You have to hear the bride share it herself to really get the impact. The story is very touching and encouraging; every teenager would benefit from watching it. What an encouragement to those other young people who are committed to purity and those who have raised and taught them!

David Lettermen and Sex and Marriage

2009-10-03T13:18:00.003-05:00

David Lettermen, on his late night talk-show, revealed that he has recently been blackmailed about "some creepy things" he had done. He started this segment of the show by saying, "Do you want to hear a story?" Of course, the audience was delighted to hear David Letterman tell a story.

As he went through his story, the audience kept laughing and seemed to be waiting for the punch line. At one point, Letterman even asked why it was funny. He finally revealed what the "creepy things" were that he had done. He admitted that he had sex with some women who worked for him. The audience applauded him when he confessed.

Letterman explained that the blackmailer had been arrested that day. It was if the audience saw the blackmailer as the bad guy and Letterman was the good guy.

I had been flipping through the stations earlier in the evening, I stopped on CNN as they announced "breaking news" that was just being reported for the first time. The "breaking news" was about Letterman's story, which would be told on his show that night. I stayed up and watched it. As I watched him finally come out with the "creepy things," I kept thinking the audience would fall into a silence appropriate to the conversation. When they kept laughing and applauding, my thoughts ran to "where are we in our culture that sexual immorality is applauded?"

Letterman never disclosed who the women were or when the incidents occurred or who initiated them. Regardless of whether they were before his marriage or after, they were committed outside of marriage, on more than one occassion. Were they situations of "to get ahead or keep your job, you have to sleep with the boss?" or were they initiated by the women who were open to having sex without commitment? We don't know and that is not the real issue to me.

Even though I have enjoyed many aspects of Dave's humor, he has continually degraded women and focused on their sexuality above all else. I am reminded of Scott Stanley's statement that commitment to one person in marriage means that you are saying "yes" to that person and "no" to all others.

Dave, just say "no."

ABC Nightline Addresses Adultery

2009-09-25T21:46:00.002-05:00

Cynthian McFadden brings four people together to discuss whether humans are "born to cheat." Two people present their view from each side, but the kids from the audience, who ask questions, says it all.